The Book of Ems (First Edition)

I have a Christmas song stuck in my head.

And, much to the dismay of all of you (the invisible crowd) I'm updating my blog daily. Which means I have come to that dreadful moment when I have absolutely nothing to write about. SO! I'm going to tell you about myself.

I'm really short. Not normal short, like 5'4'' or something. I'm 3-inches-above-legal-midget-height short. I'm 4'11''. And this is sort of unnecessary, but it drives me crazy how freaking large my boobs are. They're like, totally unproportional! I'm 90-92 lbs, and I wear C-cups. And recently, I feel like the girls have been growing. It's such a pain! They bounce EVERYWHERE. I wish I had some kind of custom-made steel breastplate, yknow? I'm willing to sacrifice a little discomfort for more support. Also, if I got in a fight, my opponent would think I'm Superwoman. x]

I have demon-possessed hair. If I take a shower and leave my hair down, air-drying with no mousse or any other kind of product, in 5 minutes I have a lion's mane. A lot of people compliment me on it, because it's natural ringlets, but they don't know the harpies I go through to tame it. And it might all be okay if it was ALL curly, but the entire first layer of hair is straight. So whenever I leave my hair down, I have to clip all that up. And that makes me look like a 10 year-old. What I really need is layers. I might do that soon, but if the hairdresser ruins it, I won't be able to put it in a ponytail for months. D;

I'm a girly-girl on the outside, but a total tomboy at heart. I care a lot about my appearance, and looking pretty, and wearing makeup; but when it comes to choosing between sitting out and keeping all that hard work looking perfect or jumping in the fun and looking like a fool, I always choose the latter. I want so badly to be a football player. Basketball is one of my four main loves in my life. (Other two: writing, dirtbiking, and coffee.) I'm almost always hanging with the guys. I'm just so much more comfortable around them than I am girls. I have a lot more in common with people who like videogames, sports, and gory action movies. And guys don't get offended about little things. They won't snub you if you don't look perfect. They have my sense of humor.

I'm a dreamer. I despise realists. Who could live a life without imagination? That alone powers my motivation. I'm a goal-setter. I'm ambitious. I'm an over-achiever. Tell me something I can't do, and I'll do everything I can to prove you wrong. I'm a feminist (OH WOAH, HERE COMES THE HATE) and I strongly believe that I can be better than anyone I want. Not that I am better, but just that I'm not limited to being a bottom-feeder. I can rise to the top. I have that in me. I'm Amy Ems.

Despite how optimistic and confident I can be, I'm still insecure. I don't always believe I'm pretty. I worry a lot about what other people think. I desire to please everyone, and yet I know it's impossible. I'm not always good at writing. I'm kind of a failure when it comes to Biology. I suck at public speaking. I've been hurt by a lot of people in my past. I have trust issues. I'm a professional at faking smiles. I'm super emotional. But I try my hardest to push this all behind me. Ems can't let this stuff get to her.

I talk to myself in second person a lot. I kind of have a split personality--Amy being human, Ems being superhuman. It's weird and slightly mental, but it helps me solve a lot of bias-related problems. I want to do anything I can to improve myself, and that means I need to step out of my body, analyze my problems, and offer the solutions I wouldn't be willing to accept if I didn't block out my feelings. I guess it's a good quality, being able to switch perspectives, but sometimes it just makes me mad at myself. I can't always take my own bashing. Sometimes, I'm my own worst enemy. But the thing is, I know Ems is always right. So I need to listen to her.

I have a thing about knives. Call me psychotic, (it's probably true) but I'm obsessed with sharp things. I could spend hours running my fingers over blades and gazing admiringly at their deathly tips. The larger, the better. Sometimes when I'm nervous or stressed, clicking my pocketknife open and closed calms me down. I carry it in my purse at all times for instances like those. And you know, I jokingly threaten people about it, but I'd never really hurt them.

My readers mean the world to me. I don't really have any on this site, but on figment.com, I've got quite a few. Their happiness, their excitement, their zeal is all I write for. Well, granted, I couldn't NOT write if I tried. I write for the same reason I breathe. If I didn't, I'd die. But every comment, every heart, (or here, it's recommendation) and every review brightens my day. If I make someone laugh, it's that much better. Your reactions inspire me. They motivate me. They make me the writer I am. So, in all honesty, I owe everything to you. (You, the invisible crowd. Or any figgies who have sneaked over here.)

A random assembly of things:
(1) If you like coffee, you're my best friend.
(2) I like to read romance stories, but they have to have other subplots, too.
(3) I play piano.
(4) I'm a city girl.
(5) I despise math.
(6) I love guns. And bombs. And other explosive weapons.
(7) I like acting, but I've never acted in anything.
(8) I'm very creative, but I have to be in a mood to do artsy things.
(9) My favorite color is teal (a.k.a., the color of this blog).
(10) I read manga. My favorites are Shiawase Kissa Sanchoume, Watashi ni xx Shinasai, and Naruto.
(11) Castle is the best show on TV. Runner-ups: The Office, The Mentalist, Go On, 24, and Men With Kids. Although, I thought Reba was epic when it was on air.
(12) My lucky number is 4.
(13) I love smoked cheese. And boiled peanuts. And Chester's Hot Fries. And Monster energy drinks.
(14) My birthday is August 11th.
(15) I have two siblings. My sister is 19, my brother is 17.
(16) I hate dogs. Well, I don't really like any animals. But especially not dogs.
(17) I have brown eyes.
(18) French and English are my favorite subjects. Algebra, World History, and Biology are my least.
(19) I have braces. Getting them off in a couple months.
(20) I'm a Hunger Games fan. For those of you who care, Team Peeta.
(21) I'm going to France after college.
(22) I'm obsessed with hoodies. I have 16 of them.
(23) I'm currently single.
(24) My favorite effect on picmonkey.com is Intrepid.
(25) Fall is the best season of the year.
(26) I'm scared of Bloody Mary and mirrors (because of Bloody Mary).
(27) I love Owl City.
(28) I've been writing since I was 5.
(29) I'm not very good at flirting.
(30) I love pingpong!

So. Yeah. That's about all I can think of that I want to share. Au revoir!

~Ems