Stupid loneliness and nostalgia.

I'm stuck in between.

Why can't I have just grown up male? All of my friends in elementary school were guys, with the addition of a few tomboys. I miss them so goddamn much. I've known them since kindergarten. Now they all go to a different school and I'm an entirely different person -- literally. There's no such thing as reintroduction, because I have disgustingly low confidence and would not at all feel comfortable reconnecting with anyone. I had just the right amount of friends all through middle school. And now I can't even retreat back to them, because most of them have drifted apart and my own friendships with them have dimmed. There's no rekindling the fire by saying, "Hey, let's get the gang back together for old time's sake." They've all moved on without me.

And now who do I have? She was the only reason I had any friends at all in a whole new school where she knew everyone and I was lost. Now that she's gone, only one of them is left being close to me, and even so, that's only in the social sense. I have social friends, but no emotional friends. I remember a time when I had friends who would tell me that they loved me when we'd say goodbye. I remember having friends who knew my deepest secrets.

I want girl friends because I connect with them better. But because I'm a boy, I don't feel like we can ever entirely connect. And so I hold myself back.

I want guy friends because a true friendship between two men is a deep and powerful thing. I almost cried listening to the best man speak to the groom at my cousin's wedding. They'd known one another since they were four. It was fucking beautiful. But because I'm not biologically male, I don't feel like I can ever entirely connect with another guy. And so I hold myself back.

I miss having best friends. Even one would be nice. I miss having someone to tell things to. Because I have no one but my keyboard, right now.

Y'know, there's a little freshman girl in my orchestra who's been writing letters and delivering them to me in class. She says that she likes writing, and so writes to people to pass time. She's using me as a neutral outlet, telling me everything that she can't tell anyone else. In such ways, I feel like Nick from The Great Gatsby.

Today, she wrote to me about her future and how her family is pressuring her into a career and lifestyle that she doesn't want. She told me about these dreams that she has, and she told me that she considers herself suicidal.

Normally, I'm irked by girls like this. But, from what I can tell, she's not so touchy and superficial. She has depth and strength.

I think I'll write back to her, tomorrow.