“How can you be depressed? It’s Disneyland!”

It’s true. I spent a majority of yesterday depressed. Hell I even starting crying in one of the bathrooms pretty early on in the day.

Honestly, I did have a wonderful time. I felt honored to have Kelsey with us to be our tour guide and show me her baby as I screamed bloody murder on it.

But the first half was pretty much shit. To tell the truth, I didn’t even want to go in the morning. I almost sent Kelsey and Alisha on their own. Mostly because I was extremely frustrated with myself. I just had this over whelming feeling of my mom.

Growing up my mom wanted to take me so badly. When I was six I almost got to go but my mom got extremely sick and we ended up using all the money she saved for medical bills. I remember when she took the jar of money with Disneyland on it and just sat there apologizing to me.

That’s when I starting wondering why even bother going? I told myself that it was just a stupid amusement park and nothing more. I kept doing that over the years and a few later my mom asked me if I ever wanted to go. I told her no. Flat out no. She asked why and I said I didn’t know, that I didn’t really care for the place and I saw her heartbreak. Her smile fell off her face and she said to me, “Is it because of me? Because I’m in a wheelchair?”

I said no and that I didn’t really have a reason. I remember walking out of the room with my mom on the verge of tears and I felt so bad. I didn’t even know it meant that much to her.

And yesterday I couldn’t push those thoughts away. The one of the fact I was actually there and the fact I never wanted to be there. I know I should let things go and move on but those are the things that stick with me. I have a hard time letting things go and that got to me.

By the time I got to see World of Color I felt this weird feeling. I was happy and loved being with the girls but I just cried because how much I wanted my mom to be there with me. The fact I finally made it there and saw something so wonderful, so powerful.

Overall it was a nice experience. Got to go on quite a few rides and bought some goodies for myself. Tower of Terror man, I never knew I could scream like that. That was serious fear screaming coming from me.
October 14th, 2012 at 06:30am