My new best friend: Ana

Hey guys...

I've got about 5 minutes to type a quick journal and then I got to go to the gym. Yay.

So, I've been dieting for about three weeks now. I've lost 8 pounds. I should have lost a lot more, at least 10... I feel like a failure, but my mum is pretty proud. She just doesn't know that I'm not just exercising a lot, I'm "starving" myself. I don't feel as hungry anymore, but I did when I first started.

I limit myself to 500-800 calories a day, weekends I give myself a little slack, because I have my mum cooking all the time and I don't have a way to get away from it.

This weekend though, was horrible. I hate myself so much. All I had was junk the whole weekend because we were staying in the hotel and my family doesn't seem to be considerate of the fact I'm dieting. They brought cookies, peanuts, sandwich meats, doughnuts, muffins and so much soda. Nothing really healthy. So I binged... all weekend. 1000+ calories.

I seriously hate myself. So much. And since about 6 last night, I've been on again off again panic attacks. I also almost went to the hospital because they wouldn't go away. I've never felt so lonely in so long. This weekend was terrible. I was sharing a room with 8 other people, yet they managed to make me feel so distant.

My depression has gotten worse. I cry almost every night and broke my 3 months clean. I feel so pathetic. All my friends I used to turn to for support have gotten better themselves, and every time I try to turn to them for help, they don't understand anymore or ignore me. I'm still stuck going through the same bullshit depression, while they are living.

I WANT TO LIVE. I want to know what it's like to be HAPPY. And not just for an hour or so here or there. I want to be able to wake up and think that it is going to be a good day, not worry about what is going to happen....

I'm sorry, I'm ranting now. I have to go. If you read this, thanks<3