This Nightmare is Real

I feel like I shouldn't write about this. Not only because I am supposed to be cleaning my room and getting ready to leave the state tomorrow; but because I want to believe I'll get better. Somewhere down the road I will be okay. But I'll see this blog entry and I wont know whether to read it again or delete it.

I've never felt so completely unhinged. I've hurt, bad, but never to the point where I was scared I was losing my mind. I want to claw at my skin. I want to gouge out my eyes. I want to drive a knife into my chest where I can already feel the pain breaking through to my back.

He said he would be here... but he left me... for her...

Now he loves her... instead of me... and he's kissing her, and holding her hand, and carrying her books, and opening doors for her, and pumping her gas. Smiling at her, hugging her, thinking about her. And he doesn't even miss me...

After everything... Years of everything falling into place... and making it through hardships together... He gets mad and finds another girl the very next day...

I feel sick to my stomach. I have to force myself to eat. Then I have to force myself to keep it down. I'm exhausted and sick because I haven't been sleeping. I want to die so badly. I don't want to go through this again.

I've been praying and begging God to take away this pain I'm all too familiar with. I can't do this... I've never been so lost... or weak... Why would God drag me through all of this. I wanted someone to love... not someone to lose...

I'm done. My problem is that I want to love like Christ; but I'm just Alyssa. I would need someone else who also wants to love like Christ; but that person doesn't exist.

I wish I was at least strong enough to end it all.