A Letter to a Boy

So much has happened in my high school career... I sit here today writing this as a new college student who is hopelessly in love with the boy she met in high school.

Let me just start by saying, I had been in love before him, no matter how fake it turned out to be, it was love. My cousin said to me "Love is love, what you felt was real, even if he wasn't." What had happened is this guy from the internet lied to me and told me what I wanted to hear, things that made me fall head over heels for him. I never understood that term, wouldn't it be heels over head since you are falling? I made promises to this man, Matthew I thought his name was, I made promises about my senior year, promises that I kept, where was your promises? Why did you lie to make me feel the way I did? It wasn't all fake though, when he said he loved me, I knew he meant it, something about the sadness in his voice, he knew he was leading me on but he truely did love me.

That happened my Sophomore year, it was over by just after homecoming, that's when I met the person I am with now. He says he saw me first when he was in middle school, I walked past him and smiled before passing on my way to my locker, at the time I was confident with pink bangs and a sort of swagger a middle schooler thinks they have. We met first in church, he was obsessed with some girl which is why he was there. He knew I was friends with her and started talking about her, I just kind of ignored him and we didn't really see each other again until my sophomore year and his Freshman year.

It's hard to think that if some small details had happened, it was possible that we would never have become what we did. Our true first meeting was in band, he was in percussion with me (weird to think ifI had been a trumpet like my instructor wanted me to be we probably wouldn't have had this relationship) and he decided to talk to me since he old me later I seemed nice. We fell into an odd friendship, at the time he was still obsessed about that girl and I was the one he talked about her with. But as our friendship went on he lost interest in her and started hanging out with me more, it was clear to see that I was interested and so was he. We started dating that year, he asked me to be his girlfriend when he came to pick me up for Winterfest.

Alas, our relationship didn't last long, but we remained interested, dating on and off for about three years, this year the start of our fourth year. But my senior year is where it became real. We started the year apart, he was dating some girl and I respected that, even if I still had feelings for him. It really hurt to see you together. On homecoming night I went with my friend Adam (That isn't his name, but what my parents call him since they call all my guy friends by different names, Adam is just lucky he got a guy name) and he went with her. he just happened to be in front of me in line and turned around to say hi, but he couldn't keep his eyes off me, his girlfriend literally had to turn him back around, that's when I knew that he still liked me.

One night at play practice I told him I still had feelings for him and he thanked me for telling him and said he still liked me but I made sure to tell him I was by no means asking you to break it off with her. But not too long after that he did, and we started talking, I made sure to tell him that I wanted to wait a while out of respect for his ex, that is just rude when and ex jumps into a new relationship so quickly after the breakup.

A few days after Christmas we went on a double date to go ice skating, the funny part is we were kind of forced into our relationship by the other couple. Shi (the girl from the other couple) was holding some mistletoe and trying to get us to kiss, eventually the whole rink was chanting "Kiss, kiss, kiss!" And we did.

Unfortunately that relationship didn't last very long... I remember what happened well, I was on a trip to see a play, Narnia the musical on a Friday, I text him to see if he wanted to hang out when I got back into town but he said he had to pick up your sister from the airport, so I dropped it. Little did I know that he didn't actually go out of town, he went to his ex's house to see her on her birthday, why did you lie to me? I never understood why you lied to me... Maybe you thought I wouldn't like it considering this girl has been after you for so long after you broke up. She was even texting me saying she was sorry and wanted to be friends, I was nice in return but I didn't trust her, and for good measure.

He came over that Tuesday to tell me he had lied and went to her house, that definitely hurt, but we got through that, until the next day. The next day he text me and told me you had to talk to me, and I got this weird feeling in my stomach that I wouldn't like what you said, and that we would break up. How true that was. he came over and told me that he hadn't told me everything the night before and that he had cheated on my, you and her had kissed. Now that killed me, I calmly got up, grabbed the bracelet and tiara you got me to ask me to prom (This happened like a week before prom) handed them to you and told you to get out. What I really wanted him to do was not to take that for an answer and to hold me while I cried and beat on his chest. Instead he left with one soft sorry and I called my cousin to cry.

His ex didn't expect it, but the next day I got back at her. I walked calmly up to the table she was sitting at before class and satin front of her, beside my cousin who knew this was going to happen. "Hey Kat, you boyfriend came over last night, and he told me something interesting." "Really, Beth? What did he tell you?" "He told me that he cheated on me, with you." I turned to look at his ex, who by now lowered her her book with a frightened look on her face. "You know, I don't appriciate what you did to me, I know I tend to trust people too easily, I like to see the best in them, that is my fault, that will be my downfall. But do you know what yours is? You kissed my boyfriend while I was still in school." She cut me off "He told you I kissed him...?" I cut her back off too,"You know what? It doesn't matter who kissed whom, it's the fact that it happened in the first place." I stood and looked around the table, her friends all had their mouths hanging open as they listened,"You know what? You can have him, because if he cheated on me, there is no telling he won't cheat on you." I tossed the stuffedanimal he had gotten me for valentines day on the table in front of her,"Give that back to him, I have a feeling he won't be showing up to band any time soon."

While I know it was bad of me to deliver an empty threat since for some reason she seriously thinks I am mean enough to actually pull through on it, I couldn't help it, it just kind of slipped out, I didn't plan anything I said, it just kind of happened. I am not the kind of person who is mean to other people, but she had the gall to mess with me and kiss my man, so I had to say something. Apparently she believed my threat even though every one else knew I would never hurt another person deliberately in the attempt to hurt them (minus the time I slapped my boyfriend across the face which comes later in this post)

A couple days later we met up at the park and talked everything over, I slapped him across the face, he said sorry and in the end I kissed you again. "You're stupid," I said. "Yeah." he replied. "And I am stupid." I said, he looked up confused,"How are you stupid?" he inquired. "Because of what I am about to do." And I kissed him which definitely took him by surprise, and he kissed back. Then for the first time ever for me or in our relationship we made out, now three years is a long time to be waiting to make out with someone, but it was never important to us.

I ended up going to prom alone, or well, with my cousin, but technically alone since she wasn't literally a date, I had an okay time, and even danced with him, then we went into the photobooth and I kissed him... I couldn't help it, even after all he put me through I still liked him. We went to the park after project prom at around three in the morning and talked until about five, after that we continued to see each other secretly in the park since none of my friends or family approved, the only person who knew was Kat who didn't say anything because she knew how I felt.

He got better at the end of the year and we started dating on June 10th after graduation, I asked him out this time, I put a bunch of balloons with writing on them in his car and he said yes once he figured out what I was trying to ask, with the promise of getting me back for that, well I still haven't been gotten back for that!

It is now the 18th of October and we have been dating for four years (Not counting all the times we broke up in between) and four months. He keeps talking about getting married one day and I don't think you realize just how scared that makes me. True he has earned back most of my trust, but sometimes I can't help thinking about what happened and how, lets face the facts, he kind of ruined my senior year. It terrifies me to think about it, but I know I love him, there is no denying that. But in addition to marriage he also talks about college outside Missouri, and that also terrifies me, I know I can trust him, especially after this past week, but it seriously scares me, and he have no idea.

Sometimes I don't know what to say to him... He is only seventeen (He skipped a grade, just turned seventeen less than a month ago and is in his senior year in high school) and he is more experienced than I am, his ex, the one I mentioned, and he had done stuff, things that I haven't even attempted with him. He was my first kiss all those years ago in my sophomore year of high school, and he is the only guy I have kissed. All my experience I have gotten from him and that is barely anything since all we have done really is make out, and it took us long enough to get there. I feel like I do all those things wrong and that my friends look down on me for still dating him...

But you know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they are dull as a brick? Then there's other people, when you meet the, you think, "Hmm, not bad, they're okay." And then you get to know the, and... and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality is written all over it... And they just turn into something so beautiful... He is the most beautiful man I ever met...

And if in the long run he and I don't end up together like he is talking about now, marriage, then I know we at least gave it a shot, look how many times we broke up and got back together. Maybe I am just hurting myself in the long run, but I don't care right now. All that matters is that I love him, and we are together now.

This didn't end up as a letter as I expected but it is close enough.