I Hate Not Knowing.

There's a million and one things in my life that I hate not knowing.

I hate not knowing when I'm going to find the guy that I'm going to marry and have a family with.
I hate not knowing if I'm going to be able to buy the townhome I want to buy next year after I've saved up a decent amount for a down payment.
I hate not knowing when my car is finally going to say "Eff you" and just die.
I hate not knowing when I'm going to achieve the fullest happiness of my life.
This list could go on and on, but I won't bore you all.

The thing I hate not knowing the most is a family related issue. For the last few years my aunt has been battling breast cancer. Just before this past Christmas she had a double massectomy where they took both of her breasts in hopes of removing the cancer from her body. The last I had seen her was in April when she looked so much happier and her hair was growing back. That's the one thing she says she wants most is her hair. Well sometime over this summer she was going to consult with doctors to get small breast implants so she wouldn't be completely flat. Instead of becoming one step closer to getting back to normal, she had gotten news that the cancer had returned.

She's staying quiet about most of it, but from what we've heard that my uncle found a paper that said the cancer is incurable and that she should start getting everything in order in preparation for the worst. My cousin is a senior in high school, about to turn 18 and the last I heard she doesn't know that her mother might not have a lot of time left. They don't want to spoil her last year of high school.

None of us know how much time she has left. I hate not knowing that, because I get to wondering where I will be when I get the news that she passed away. I have mental images of myself seeing this news on a text message while I'm at work and just breaking down in the shop in front of my co-workers. I have images like that because when I was in Boot Camp almost five years ago, I had gotten the news of my Great Grandmother passing away and broke down crying in front of my entire division.

I hate not knowing *Sigh*