All because of you, I haven't slept in so long...

...every time I do
I dream I'm drowning in the o c e a n . . .

Rise Against your music has been like a friend to me.

I made a decision tonight. Which is a big deal considering I've never been so dumbfoundedly confused before in my life.

The day before yesterday I returned home. I missed my dog while I was gone and the weather has been great so last night I took her for a car ride. She had fun, I ended up being tortured. I couldn't stop myself from driving to my high school and sitting in the parking lot for a while, thinking about all the years...

I got home and took dad to buy me beer, which might make me sound like a pathetic kid but I'm the one in the family with a steady job, income and working car so whatever. I haven't gotten drunk since I was really upset at my brother's place for his 40th Birthday. But that's the best solution everyone can come up with for everything and I don't care anymore. But the fact that my dad was willing to buy me beer depressed me enough that I haven't had any. That, and I don't want to be a spawn of repeated history. I want to be Alyssa.

I've also decided I want to remember the pain. I want to remember the fear of losing my mind. Of wanting to claw at my skin and scratch at my eyes. I want to remember the fear of making the wrong move and falling off the edge. I want the memory of feeling my chest being pried apart constantly to be clear. I want to remember, so that I will hopefully be smarter down the road. I won't come back to this.