Recovery

So for the past two days I think I've been doing pretty well, I've been eating more and not really letting myself get hungry. I've been trying not to obsessively weigh myself like I would like to do, but I still do it a lot. I should probably get rid of my scale, but I want to make sure I gain but at the same time I don't want to gain, it's like torture now stepping on that scale, I'm upset if I lose, but then I'm surely upset if I gain, I can't win.
Anyways, in the past 4 or 5 months I've lost 30 to 40 pounds, and now I'm right back where I started before I entered OP like seriously the same exactly weight which in a sad way I find kind of funny.
I feel like this time is a true recovery, last time I think it was mostly to get out of OP, because I was guilted into it. This time I want it, and I'm eating and keeping it down and doing it for me, even though no body cares, and I have no support, which would be lovely if I had some, but not gonna happen.
I also wish people would stop talking about anorexia and bulimia as if it's some sort of diet, because it's not it's a mental disorder and it ruins lives, I know it's ruined mine, and many others.
Well just thought I would post about how I'm doing, though I don't think anybody cares lol.
Hope everybody else is well.