Give Me Strength

Ugh! Today is utterly horrible. I woke up happy because I got to say good-bye to my Bubba, my nephew Jayson, before he left for pre-school. Normally I'm still dead to the world at around 6:30 AM when my sister leaves for work, but I had to get up to let the dog out. Things only got better because I had a few minutes alone to listen to music and to write a little bit without any disturbances. Now onto the horrible part of my day.

My mom recently started taking new medication for her hip pain and it's left her a bit on the loopy side. She and I haven't been getting along in the past month because I'm her caregiver. I hate the term caregiver. Some people would be honored to care for their parents in their old age, but at twenty-two not so much. I haven't even had a chance to really live my life. I've been so wrapped up in trying to find a job, get back into school, and lose weight it's almost impossible to care for myself. Let alone my mother.

To top it all off things finally came to head between the two of us. I've never yelled at my mother, but I found myself yelling at her over something stupid – Cookies and Cream ice cream. It's stupid, but not if you look at the bigger picture. My mother is known to eat. So much so that she stuffs her face every single second. I'm not size 6 or anything either, but I know how to show restraint. My sister was kind enough to buy each of us ice cream a week ago. My sister and I each got a pint of Cookies and Cream while my mother got a container of Rainbow Sherbet. My mom ate all of her sherbet in less than 24 hours. Then proceeded to ask me for some of my ice cream. I had previously eaten some of her sherbet from another container because she said I could have some, but ate it all before I could have a scoop. So I said no. I found it to be valid to say seeing as once she starts eating she can't stop herself.

Last night, my sister finally opened her ice cream and ate a few scoops. Just moments ago, my mom pulls it out of the freezer and eats some. I told her to put it back because she has some twisted notion that she can do anything because she's my mom. I don't see it that way. You should still ask to go in or use someone's stuff. It's just common courtesy. My problem with her isn't the ice cream – it's her expectations. She expects my sister and I to be her caregivers in her old age. Her health has never been that great and I know she needs the help, but if she would just do what she's supposed to in order to care for herself this would be a hell of a lot easier.

My mother is not an invalid. She can care for herself. Her only problem now is not being able to walk around without the assistance of a cane or walker. She's a heavy smoker and doesn't see that it causes problems with everyone's health. My nephew has to take breathing treatments because of his chronic cough and he's only three. So when she smokes he can't be around her. My sister and I both get bad coughs being exposed to it. My sister even got a bad case of bronchitis this summer due to it. My sister issued an ultimatum stating she wasn't moving to a new house with the smoking. My mom has yet to acknowledge it.

To her I'm being mean and inconsiderate of her feelings because I'm not talking to her. When I do talk to her I don't want to talk about people back home, her sickness, family members dying, etc. It's all depressing for me. I have my own depression to deal with. She tells me to get over it sometimes and I just can't some days. I've gotten better at managing my panic attacks. I can recognize one coming on pretty quick so I turn to my computer or my iPod. Hence, this long rant of a blog about my mother. The last panic attack I had was months ago because of mother. My Nana always told me that three of us (my mother, sister and I) shouldn't live together because it would be unhealthy. I didn't believe her and now I know she was right.

I can survive with my sister because we both desire one thing – space. We talk. Watch television or old movies. Then we go to our other ends of the house and just do our own thing. No problems. My mother on the other hand craves attention from us 24-7. She needs to see someone or talk to someone to battle her depression. I need silence and solitude. I have to do things on my own. I just hope that someday I soon I can get out of here and back into school.