So today I went to my old high school’s pop’s concert (a concert that shows how the music program progresses through the years) and I literally felt left out. I wasn’t a part of the choir anymore and there were new fresh meat. I didn’t know the songs and I was WATCHING. It was great to see a lot of old friends and to know that even with my personality I was missed dearly. It was awesome to be crazy with Stiney and Lady Snow again, but it was different. It felt like I didn’t belong there and I know I graduated so it’s like I’m NOT a part of the choir anymore and I need to get over that, but I always, ALWAYS, considered that the place I could run to and be welcomed with open arms. That wasn’t the case though.
I didn’t understand Stiney’s reaction when she explained the feeling of going back to where you belong, but not belonging anymore. We’re now outsiders looking in. When women’s choir was performing I couldn’t call them MY girls/section anymore (hell I barely knew HALF the choir), I had to call them my friends and that realization had me on the verge of tears multiple times. It legit hurt to go back and realize that I’m not needed there anymore and I can’t help out. I won’t wake up tomorrow and go running to Becks in the room ranting and raving about the concert and life and it kills me. I want to keep it together because all my younger friends were amazing tonight and it was just WOW, but that feeling of being an outsider is there.
On the way home I almost broke down and cried in front of Stiney after we got off the phone with Shae because we were talking about how it felt to not be a part of that family anymore. And then we talked about how we devoted our lives and hearts and souls (exaggeration to an extent, we did basically everything we could for the music department) to the music program in high school, but now it feels like even though we can go back and visit and what-not, we’re like strangers now. And it didn’t really help when it felt like Becks had up a wall.
I think that’s what hurt the most though. It felt like she was rejecting us a little bit and it seriously hurt worse than anything else I’ve been put through (and I’ve been put through a lot and Stiney has been put through much more than me). She was like a mother, sister, best friend, one of very few adults I trust, and just all around important person in my life (and she still is) so when it felt she was keeping us a distance away, I really wanted to break down and cry. I’ve dealt with rejection (like my own parents rejecting me) but nothing, and I mean nothing, hurt more than her rejecting us. Like we understand we’re not her students anymore and that’s not our chorus room, but… I don’t know. I just never realized how much it hurt to be away from the chorus room and the family I had there.
I can honestly say that being on the outside looking in with the one thing I’ve always been a part of and that always made me happy, is the shittiest feeling I’ve ever had and the first time I’ve ever had the balls to admit that I’d give anything to repeat my last four years of high school over and over again for the rest of my life.
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