My Mother: Advice needed

Okay I need to rant. Like, really rant. And I'm going to get personal. So please just, I don't know, listen? I just need someone to listen to me rant about this.

Okay. For my entire life I haven't had the easiest or the most normal childhood. I mean, I was a normal child, but my family life wasn't. My Mom has had Paranoia Schizophrenia ever since I was little and probably before that. But I guess the signs never really showed until after my brother and I were born.

Until I was about 6 everything was fine. But then something happened and she went crazy. I don't really remember much about the first time she had an "episode", but it was when I was in 1st grade and she chaperoned a field trip and started freaking out on the bus and the police were called and that's all I really remember.

I didn't really pay attention to it until I was 10/11 years old and about to start middle school. It was summer. And it was a bad summer. My Mom was off her medication (at the time I didn't know what that meant, but I'll get to that later) and she had just fought with my Dad. While my Dad was at work, she took my little brother and I to a hotel to stay. And I could tell she wasn't acting normal.

And before I get into what happened, I'd like to point out that I TOLD MY FAMILY THAT SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH HER. I told them. And NOBODY believed me. They told me that I was imagining things. That I was the insane one.

Well...

So 2 days passed and I was wondering when we were going to go home and see my Dad and stuff. Well, my Dad called and my Mom wouldn't talk to him so I did. But then he wanted to talk to my Mom and my Mom kept telling me make up lies how she couldn't come to the phone. Eventually, she took the phone and threw it in the toilet.

My Dad was obviously worried, so he asked my uncle to come check on us. Well, that didn't go over so well. My uncle knocked on the door and my mother lost it. She told us to start screaming and breaking anything we could in the hotel room. So we what we were told. And my brother and I cried as we screamed and my mom screamed at us.

Eventually the police showed up and my mom took me and my brother to the bathroom. She told him to lay down on the floor and me to lay in the bathroom. The police got into the room, but my mom made threats to them outside the bathroom door.

She decided to go out and talk to them, but she warned my brother and me. She said that we had to pray that she wasn't the next person to come through the bathroom door or we were going to die.

And so she left. And my brother and I prayed. We screamed it out. We cried. We were panicked.

And when that bathroom door opened we screamed more. But to our relief it was my uncle.

And that was that.

For about 3 months she was in the mental hospital and we were with my Dad. But then after 3 months...she came home.

And things were fine for a few years.

There was the occasional slip on her medication which keeps her sane, but nothing major. But every time this happened I was the only one who could tell. I was the one who had to get everybody to notice. And there were times nobody believed me.

Like the last time. I noticed earlier this year and nobody cared to believe me. And in the end I was right and my Mom was back to the mental hospital.

Well that didn't last long, because a week later she was home again. And I told myself...I told myself that if this happened again, that I was done.

That's a horrible thing to say, right? To say that you're done with your mother? Who says that kind of thing?

But it's so hard. Because EVERY time she comes home she PROMISES. PROMISES that she won't go off her medication again. That this will never happen again.

And she lies to me. Because she does. She does so often that it hurts. It hurts me so bad. Because there are times where I'm TERRIFIED of my Mom. That isn't normal. You shouldn't fear for your life around your mom. But I do. When she's like this, I do. Because I remember that time in the hotel. I get these flashbacks and panic attacks about it. I've been traumatized ever since then.

And it kills me when she breaks her promise and goes off her medication because we're back at square one.

There's a reason I made this post. Because, again, I've noticed the signs that my Mom is off her medication AGAIN. I just know. Because of the little things. Or the big things. She gets religious when she's off of them. And she just says the weirdest things. Like for the past 30 minutes while I've been typing this she's been talking to me and telling me that I have to get married. And that if she dies I HAVE to play "Love Is Easy" by Mcfly (which is weird because my Mom HATES music).

I don't know. Maybe I just need some advice. Because lately I've been having these panic attacks about what happened all those years ago. And I just freak out. And I have NOBODY to talk to about my Mom. I have TWO friends and they're both too busy to listen.

I have nobody. And I'm scared. I know that if I tell my family that she's off of her meds again...they won't believe me. They won't believe me until it's too late.

It's always too late.

So what can I do? Someone please help me. Because I feel so lost right now.