Self Harm and Hope

Today sucked.

There isn't much else to say apart from that it was absolutely terrible. I came home and cried. And by cried, I mean cried. Not a few tears, but screaming and hair pulling and it probably just sounded like I was dying.

Being the type of person I am, I suck at handling that kind of shit. It makes me feel like the world is ending. My world, at least. Like the bad shit in my life will never end.

I relapsed. I was scratching with a paper clip, I bit my lip trying to make it bleed, I heated up a lighter and pressed it to my wrist. I even had flash backs to a horrible fight with my step-sister when she called me fat, and I went and made myself throw up.

It was so bad I contemplating cutting.

But I didn't. That's just one thing I can't give into again. Because if I give into that, then I give into pills and depression.

And then, while I was crying, I just stopped. The tears stopped coming and my voice gave out, my hands were tired from pulling my hair and my lip was raw for gnawing on. I was pretty much in shock that I stopped crying because I honestly thought I'd never stop.

And that's when it hit me.

The bad shit is going to stop some day too. And so is the good shit. And someday in my life everything is just going to stop, and that will be when I'm dead. But until I'm dead, the bad shit will keep happening and so will the good shit. Life isn't ever consistent - it changes daily. That's how it is. That's just how it is and there's nothing I can do to change it. But I might as well enjoy the ride, right? 'Cause there's no getting off this roller coaster.