I. ”The Relationship” – Definition
We will define the Relationship (a process hereafter referred to as “DTR”) within three (3) weeks time. Or longer if I’m still feeling ambivalent. But you’ll have asked me about it. The Relationship, once labeled as such, will be comprised of romantic exclusivity between You and Me, weekly Dates (Section III), daily communication (Section II), and a mutual desire to ensure the other person’s happiness. Should any of these components fail to exist, both parties agree to initiate the Breakup Process (Section VI) in a timely manner.
II. Text Etiquette
Daily communication (or if this is an impossibility due to work schedule, the communication thereof) is a necessary component to the wellbeing of the Relationship. With specific regard to texting, if we’re in the middle of a volley, You will respond in a timely manner and/or inform Me if You’re too busy to talk. I’m not a mind reader, and if I were, my mind would read Yours as having taken offense to whatever I said last.
IIa. “Haha”
The use of the term “haha” in the absence of a joke shall not be considered adequate communication.
IIb. Phone calls
I’m “eh” about talking on the phone. Phone calls are to be considered optional, unless we need to talk about something serious.
III. Dates
You and I are to travel to at least one (1) restaurant, movie theater, theater, or concert a week and/or plan ahead to spend a night in for the sole purpose of appreciating each other’s company. Me watching You play video games shall not be considered to have fulfilled the terms of this contract, unless said video game is “Mario Kart,” and I get to be “Princess Peach.” You and I will plan said Date at least two days in advance, so that neither party is left wondering if he/she should leave a night open that weekend.
In the event that one or both of us is too busy to participate in a Date that week, the busy person will express remorse and notify the other with sufficient time to make alternate arrangements with his/her friends. Each of us has a social life, too, you know.
IIIa. Paying
Both parties will contribute to paying for said Dates. However, it will be made clear which of us will be paying for that meal prior to the ordering of food so as to alleviate anxiety surrounding whether or not I can afford the amount that We’re ordering at this restaurant that was totally Your idea.
IV. Interaction With Each Other’s Loved Ones
It is imperative that our Loved Ones approve of The Relationship. Upon interaction with each other’s friends, family, and coworkers, You and I agree to be as courteous and charming as we are in private. During such times, use of smart phone will be kept to a minimum, and You will seem like You want to be there, even if a sports game is airing on television concurrently. Public displays of affection will be kept at an appropriate level, with specific attention paid to how irritated my roommate is getting.
V. Physical Affection
Kisses and spooning are mandatory aspects of The Relationship. Beyond that, this contract leaves Physical Affection to the discretion of both parties, as this contract chooses to play coy.
VI. Breakup Process
In the event that one party would like to exit The Relationship, he/she shall initiate the Breakup Process in a transparent manner. There will be no slow fizzle-out laden with excuses for why You and I can’t see each other, and neither party shall pick fights for the sake of having something concrete to walk away from. The Breakup Process shall consist of one (1) or more discussions about feelings, with a healthy attempt at compromise in the event that The Relationship is still salvageable. Facebook shall not play a part in the Breakup Process. Should The Relationship end, both parties agree not to trash-talk the other as “crazy” or “a jerk,” unless You turn out to be a real jerk, in which case, it shall be considered a civic duty.
VII. Exceptions
If I really, really like You, exceptions can be made for any part of this entire contract. Ugh.
Credit to figment.com.