Nothing seems like a fit title for this

I'm not writing this because I want attention or I want someone to care. To be completely honest, I can't sit down and write this in a notebook. I don't care if someone thinks putting this on the internet makes me look like I want a spotlight. What do you care? Everyone is only interested, few care anymore. In my case one or two care, maybe. If this bothers you, then please do not read on. Moving on.

I really think about why I'm here sometimes. And I don't mean alive, I mean in this home. If you can call it that. My abode isn't exactly something I look forward to getting back to if I ever find myself away from it. This isn't a place I feel safe or welcome at. I'd like to leave once I'm eighteen; they don't want me to leave, but they don't want me here. Make sense to you? Exactly, doesn't make sense to me either.

Coming up on the three year anniversary of the day I was arrested and expelled from high school, I thought I was better. My thoughts are wrong though. As it was explained to me by the people I live with and others, I'm much worse now than I was then. They even went so far as to call me pathetic. Now see there's a difference between knowing they think this, and them saying this to my face. It really blows to have it said to your face, I don't care who you are or how tough you are. I thought my mother truly loved me, out of everyone I thought she still believed in me. She was the one thinking these things all along. She plays the victim well, but when I need a mother I'm looked down upon. The one time your child, that you complain never needs you, needs you you're going to refuse to help or comfort them? Instead you want to throw in their face all the times they haven't needed you and refused your help. I can loathe this woman but still be there if needed. Her parents never did that to her, but she has decided to do this to me. She has four children and because the other three need her and willingly go to her, I'm the troubled one. I love children, but I don't want them because I never want to have to tell them about these things. I don't want to fuck them up like I have myself.

I'm sorry I'm pathetic, mother.
I'm sorry I don't need you like the others.
I'm sorry you think I'm so much like my father and it makes you sick.
I'm sorry you think I don't try.
I'm sorry you think I'm wasting my life away.
But honestly I'm not sorry at all.
You will never be content so do both of us a favor and just stop voicing it. Hate to break it to you but telling me I'm pathetic isn't going to motivate me to change. I already agree with you so really you're adding fuel to the fire, and new scars on top of the old ones.

By the way, if you took my laptop to make me talk to you it won't work. You could have kept it, I wasn't bothered by that. But no, you threw it at me a few hours later. Thanks so much.

Once or twice I've what things would have been like if I had a normal 4 years of high school. Not being arrested and kicked out in year 9. If I didn't fail online school, went to an "alternative education center", then spent the remainder of my time in a year round all girl program. Maybe then I'd be, I don't know, better? I got through all of that and I have a GED to my name. I've never admitted that to anyone. I fucked up so badly I wouldn't have graduated in time with credits. It wasn't that I wasn't intelligent, I am, I just spent so much time bouncing around that soon I had no time left. I'm supposed to be a senior right now, but here I am with my GED. I get why she thinks I'm pathetic now. I hope it makes sense to everyone now why I find myself pathetic.

I really want to understand how a parent stands by and watches one of her children choke the other; I really need to know that. My younger brother is sixteen years old, built like nobody's business, 6'3, and anger issues that almost match mine. Me? I'm almost eighteen, 5'2, and hardly have a muscle to my name. Clearly we aren't evenly matched, so in a physical altercation it's no surprise I lose. For that woman to stand there while he chokes me till I'm moments from passing out amazes me. You're joking right? She was upset over me choosing my vegetarian burgers, over something she was making with meat in it for dinner. When she is irritated about something she is terrible about hiding it. So when I decided to confront her about it, Mr. Junior Marine wanted to come into the kitchen and start an argument about how terrible and disrespectful I am. Yell at me all you want, I don't care. I stand there and listen to every word until that person is done, but choke me? No. Really? Everyone knows you could kill me easily and I wouldn't fight it.

I'm not going to end my life because that is where everyone objects and suddenly I mean something to people that could have cared less moments ago. I will say I'm tired, extremely tired of the day to day here. I don't get out of bed some days because I don't understand why it's necessary. I'm pathetic, I'm not contributing much, if anything I'm taking up space. What's the point? And I mean honestly, not the generic answer of 'you're alive for a reason'. Is that reason to be everyone's punching bag? If so then I'm successful so far. Or no, it has to be to make people feel better knowing that they're golden compared to me; that's it there.

I have a good idea you've probably labeled this an "Oh poor me" moment. Sorry you feel that way.

I know I'm shit right now. I feel like the person I'm writing a story with rat this time hates me because I can't get an update out. Honestly? I don't blame her, I'd be pissed at me too. Maybe because I choose to write about such sensitive to me that among the shit going on right now; opening up old wounds with that going on is difficult. I can't read messages because I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, but at the same time I don't want to pretend I'm happy. Flo, I'm sorry. Karina, I'm sorry. Anyone that I can't face right now, I'm sorry.

I haven't been able to eat, I'm all out of tears, I can't sleep, I don't speak. Right now I'm just here. Not sure why still.

This was all over the place but I guess I got enough out.

Ok.