So, obviously no one reads these, but that's ok with me. Why you ask? Because if no one reads them it means I can say whatever I want and just let it all out. Well, here it is:
The thought of death is one of those things that can just kind of creep up on a person. It is something normal people maybe think about every now and then. For me it used to be the norm. I would wake up every single morning and wonder: What if? What if I didn't wake? What if I died in my sleep? What if I drive to school and crash? What if I but my wrists? What if I want to die today? What if God wants me to die today?
There are a lot of "What if's" in life. These "What ifs" however must not be normal. Right? I mean they went away for a really long time, I didn't think about death. But today it really crept up on me. Actually, you know what? I think it was the other night. The story is really stupid to be honest but because most likely no one will read this I suppose I can write it down. . .
I was at a dance working security with a roommate, there was a guy from her school there, one that I had been hanging out with a lot and was really starting to like. Lets call him. . . John (Isn't that everyone's' name for a boy they don't really want to name) Anyway John came to my house first did a little drinking with a girl he brought along. Saying how well she was going to fit into our "Group", funny right? Considering I just met John I didn't know we were a "group". Anyway, he drank a little and my roommate and I left to head to the school. About an hour in (God knows no one can show up to a dance first!) they finally got there. He came up and talked with us handing my roommate, lets call her Jane, his bag. Off he went to "dance the night away". Funny thing is I couldn't help myself from looking for him out on that damn dance floor. It may have been dark but with each person I looked at I hoped it was him.
As the night continued and my eyes searched with no such luck of finding him I feel someone poke my stomach and swing around. Only to see John doing a little dance next to me. I remember smiling and thinking to myself "How sweet, maybe we could be more than friends." We talked for a little bit and off he went to dance again. A while later some dumb ass dropped a blunt on the floor, yes a blunt! A college dance and some idiot goes and drops a lit blunt on the damn FLOOR! Cops said lights had to be on it was now to much of a hazard to have them off. With the lights on if I looked hard enough I could see John dancing and having a good time. Funny thing is my roommate Jane convinced me that he liked to take things slow because he had a bad break up a year ago, hence the reason why I had not kissed him previously.
So to my surprise what do I see? Him on the dance floor grinding with some girl that none of us knew and making out with her HARDCORE! Guess considering I will be 20 soon I should learn to not get so caught up in the drama of life. I walked to the side of the gym and zoned out. When my roommate tapped me on the shoulder to ask me what was wrong I came out of my small trance. I explained what I saw and asked her to give John his bag when I was not around. She did as I asked but when she left to give it to him I noticed my wrist stinging. Sure shit, there right on my vein where I used to cut was a nice big red spot from where apparently I had been itching. I had itched the same spot for over an HOUR!!! For some reason I didn't even know how it happened I just knew I was an idiot for doing it.
Two days later:
My other roommate lets call her, Sarah comes walking in the house and talks straight to Jane about how a "John" had asked her to go to an improve show Friday night. I looked to Jane for an explanation as Sarah continued to shove the fact she was going basically on a date with John down my throat. She didn't even acknowledge the fact I was sitting RIGHT THERE!!! Again for someone who's almost 20 I should be over it and just move on. Right? To that question I am not sure. To be honest I have no clue who I was more upset at, John for leading me on or Sarah for stabbing me in the back. As Sarah walked up the stairs I turned to Jane and loudly stated, "Jane? Have I told you how much I HATE inconsiderate bitches lately?" When she answered with a "Yeah, I think so." I replied, "Well for the record I REALLY HATE INCONSIDERATE BITCHES!" Five minutes later Sarah was back asking me if it was of if she went out with John. What was I going to say? NO? I mean that is really what I wanted to do but I figured why make the rest of the year hell when I can just say yes and let go of some boy I really don't need in my life.
Halloween:
I went out and had a GREAT night. I mean that is what college kids are supposed to do. At least I think that is what we are supposed to do.
Today:
I skipped class and worked with my new camera I bought last night. The day was going great and I knew I had to go to work. So, at 2:45 I arrive at work with a smile on my face and a little extra skip in my step. By the time 8 rolled around I was ready to go home and just take a break. I was tired and to be honest that happiness I had earlier was fading and fading fast. The reason for this I still can not be sure. Then something happened before I left work, something I don't want to think about much less write about so we will skip to the next event.
I am on the phone with my cousin talking about wedding plans and what happened to me at work. As I walk up to my door I go to put my key in and the door swings open a little bit. Sometimes our door does not close all the way so in my mind I am cursing my roommates for not locking the damn thing. As I walk in the door would not open completely "Nice try guys but you suck at hiding." No one answered me. As I made my way around the door a little more I see the closet door is open, the living room is torn apart, the kitchen chairs are flipped over, the garbage can is flipped over and there is something that looks like blood on the floor. I go to turn on the lights and as I flip the two switches, nothing happens. My heart starts to race once again and I slowly back out of the house saying to my cousin, "Don't hang up. Please don't hang up. I think someone broke into my house!" Then I hear a few screams of laughter and I walk back in as the lights flip on.
Here my roommates thought it would be a GRAND idea to try and scare me. Well you know what? It worked. I am not one to be afraid but tonight with what happened at work and coming home to that you just can imagine what was going through my mind. I slammed the door and instantly started yelling. My roommate Sarah is laughing and tries to hug me. I yell at her not to fucking touch me and instantly my fists go up. I go up to my room and lock my door. For one instant I realized if it was not a prank I could have been dead.
For real dead, not just a what if anymore. That is what scared me most of all. I am not afraid to die, I am not afraid at all. I think I am afraid to watch or have my parents, friends, and family go through what I have been through with the loss of two good fiends. I realized for the first time in a long time my life may not be perfect but God is not ready for it to end yet. If there really had been a person in my house they would have heard me yell "Nice try but you suck at hiding!" And that would have been the end of me.
I realize now scratching my wrists till I bleed when I zone out if a protection mode for me to not harm myself in other ways. Still it is harmful to my body and I need to learn to control it. It is going to take time as it has been a reoccurring thing since January 4th 2012. Funny how one day changes everything.
It's funny how the thought of death just creeps up on you, when you least expect it, when you're just not ready for it, unprepared and down. The "What ifs" are almost worse to think about but I would rather have a "What if" than a "I am so sorry for your loss."
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