Who do you think you are?

It's time to take a trip down memory lane because let's face it; there's nothing else to do and I've been feeling especially... inspired lately. Writing about my memories isn't exactly what my subconcious had in mind, I don't think, but it's what it's going to get.

It's been about three months since Nathan and I broke up but it feels like it's been a year. Is it weird that I can barely remember him anymore? When I think about him, I can't picture his face very clearly. Or at all. Although I dreamt about him the other night and for some reason his arm came up. Like, that's what I remembered about him; his arm. His left arm, to be exact, because it has a tattoo on it. His only tattoo, might I add.

We really didn't go out for that long. Well, we didn't even go out. We were just 'dating'. Was that my fault or his? In the beginning, it was mine. He tried to push things further, but I pushed him away. And then when I realized that I wanted a relationship, he realized he didn't anymore. Probably because he realized how crazy I was and how hard to deal with I was.

We started dating right after I broke up with my boyfriend of two years. I didn't get time to be single. I just jumped right into another relationship without taking time to work on myself. After being with someone for two years, you really forget what it's like to be independant. Because I had been so dependant on my previous boyfriend, I was determined this time to be as independant as possible. So much so that I acted as if I didn't even want or need Nathan.

I remember for a while we weren't anything; we were just friends with benefits. I was drunk almost every night, out with a bunch of people. I didn't want to party with Nathan, I wanted to party with my own friends. Again, trying to be as independant as possible. One night I was drunk, and I was in the car driving around with some friends when I got a text from him saying that we needed to talk. I asked about what, and he said about us. He said he didn't think I was even serious about him at all. It was then that I realized I was serious about him, or at least I wanted to be. I was just scared.
We did end up talking, then determined that we both liked each other. The next day my cousin told him that I was just using him for sex. That had been true at first, but I didn't want it to be anymore. After we talked and I apologized, we started dating.

He told me once when we were fighting, right after I told him that I was tired of chasing him and I wanted him to chase me, he said "You don't chase, you push," and at the time I just argued back, yelling "No I don't!", coming up with another reason to keep the fight going. What I didn't realize then but I do now is that I should've stopped and said "You're right... I'm sorry,"

He was right. He told me a couple of times that I push people away. There was a lot of things he told me that I never really listened to. That was him putting his feelings out there. I never realized that he really did love me. He was the first to say the L word. First, he said it through text. We were fighting (again, like always, 'cause of me) and he wrote a long paragraph then added "I fucking love you and it hurts me" to the end. I didn't answer, I just pretended like he never wrote it because to me, you shouldn't write it in a text the first time you say it. It should be in person. Then, he said it again in a text about a week later. This time it was after he wrote me a long paragraph explaining how awesome I was. That time I answered and said I loved him, too.

He brought up the L word all the time, actually. He said it over the phone once, and it shocked me... I stayed silent for a good 30 seconds before replying with "...what?" which was completely stupid of me. He pretended like he didn't say it. I felt terrible for a while after that, but still couldn't bring myself to say it to him. One time we were cuddling on his bed and he asked me if I loved him. It totally caught me off guard, again, so I replied with "kinda". Was that totally stupid of me? Yes.
I did love him. I really, really did. But I have a problem; I'm terrified of getting hurt. It wasn't that I didn't want to tell him how I felt, it was that I thought he didn't feel the same way. I thought that he was lying, just so he could be in control. Because to me, him being a player is way more believable than him actually loving me.

He broke up with me in the end, but I broke up with him three times before he did the last time. Of course, I never actually wanted to break up. It was just me, again, pushing him away. I'm surprised he stuck around for as long as he did. I was so scared of getting hurt that I ended up hurting myself and him.

After we broke up, about a week or two later, we hooked up again. I spent the night; we made love that night and again in the morning. It was amazing. I remember waking up half way through my sleep because he was spooning me and was running his hand up and down my side. It was weird, because back when we were together he never cuddled while we slept. He kissed my head and laid his head on my head before falling back asleep. He looked so adorable that morning. When he woke up and caught me looking at him, he grabbed my head and placed it on his chest, hugging me then falling back asleep.

When I left that day, he didn't just kiss me goodbye. He stood up and embraced me, kissing me all over before kissing my lips. All I did was kiss him back, then say "seeya!" and walk away. I thought if I played hard to get, he'd ask me back out. We continued to talk and be friends after that, hanging out one more time before we stopped talking.

He has a new girlfriend now. They flaunt it all over Facebook, taking cute pictures together and writing cute messages on each other's walls. He eventually deleted and blocked me. I slept with his brother about a month ago because I wanted to hurt him. A mutual friend told me that he told her he was walking past my place a couple days ago and was thinking about breaking in. Then he stole my pipe.

And now? Now we're back to not talking. He's back to being with his girlfriend and I'm back to sitting here, wishing I had told him how I felt. I've had a couple of months to think things through, and I really fucked up. I never told him I loved him, I never apologised for starting fights, I never apologised for breaking up with him three times... there's so much that I should have told him, that I never did. I just wish that I could get a second chance because let's face; I'm still in love with him.