My Frustrated Tangent.

So, I'm going to go on a tangent before I explode with emotion, which is never fun for me.

My grandmother was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer in April of 2012. She was perfectly fine until Wednesday, October 24th, where she experienced extreme back pain. At 3am of the 25th, she was put in the hospital because she was in so much pain. Later that day, we found out the cancer had spread to her legs. They had to put her on medicine a tiny bit stronger than morphine - which I didn't think was possible - in order to keep her somewhat painless. But this medicine made her crazy and made her act like a child. She refused to take her medicine, like a child would when they have a cold. She refused to stay still, as a child would. She would bring up the most random topics, like her fish, Bob, speaking to her. This wasn't too bad, because it was entertaining. But once she got home on Thursday, November 1st, all she would do is fall asleep if you were talking to her, and if she were talking to you, it wasn't coherent. I'm losing my gran to a fucking disease that no person deserves. She takes 20+ pills a day, and she's still on her deathbed.

In the meantime, there were lines drawn in between my mother's side of the family. My uncle was stuck in Pittsburgh until the hurricane passed and returned the day that my gran returned home. He had the choice to leave before the hurricane came. He chose to stay at work. My aunt, Laura, has never once made her priority to help. She's always got excuses. Between going to church for the first time in her life and going out with her goddamn friends, she's always too busy to help. My aunt Lisa, who lives with my gran, has been impacted hard by this and can hardly stay focused for more than 5 minutes at a time. Then my mother, who has been making my family work like fucking mules to help out - which I'm not complaining about the work, I'm complaining about the others who refuse to. I've stayed at my gran's/aunt's for over a week, sleeping on the couch. I haven't seen my own house since. I want to go home, but I have to stay and help because my cousins who are old enough to help and my aunt and uncle who are too freaking incapable of helping refuse to.

Oh my God, my motherfucking cousins. My uncle's kids just sit around and watch my brother and I do all the work around the house. They just watch. And they've got the nerve to make stupid fucking comments about our work. My aunt Laura's kids help a little - which is funny, cos they're both younger than my uncle's kids - but they still allow us to do the difficult, more necessary tasks without giving us any assistance.

And my great-uncle and great-aunt are in town this weekend. My great-aunt, Lisa, and my mother dared to have a conversation about my gran and what was happening behind the curtain, in front of me. I can handle it, sure, but not when I'm already tattered with the situation. I'm just... exhausted.

Speaking of exhausted, I haven't slept for more than 4 hours of sleep since, either. I haven't been able to sleep, I haven't been able to eat. All I can do is pray to God I don't breakdown in front of my friends or my family. My gran is my best friend in my family. She's the one I could turn to to get help, to hear the dumb joke of the day, to play games with, to walk around in her massive garden. There's always memories, I suppose, but memories are often forgotten.

My gran asked me what I wanted for my birthday a couple of weeks ago, when she was still lucid. I told her I wanted something sentimental, and I'd have to think about it. Now that I've put it off for so long, I feel like it's too late. Like I can't ask for what I want, because that would be stupid and selfish.

My social life, my academics, are destroyed. Other than the one or two exceptions with my friends, I haven't spoken to anyone. And I avoid ranting to them, because they've got issues of their own, they needn't be bothered with my speel. Besides them, I've begun to shut myself off from people because they irritate me. What's funny, anyway, is I help my friends all the time. But the one time I can't play Rock for them, they leave me, or I just shut them out cos they refuse to help. Last quarter, my grades were really good. Since this has started up, I have refused to do any homework, I have refused to take a couple of quizzes, I've played sick a couple times. I'm just unable to focus anymore. My mind is totally swarmed with the idea that my gran is dying. A few of my teachers have given me some slack, while others make the situation so much worse than necessary.

I had intended on doing NaNoWriMo, but obviously, with what's going on, that's not happening. Nor is any writing. I'm only doing this because I've decided staying up and ranting is healthier than attempting to sleep, because if I even attempt to sleep, nightmares will plague me, and not just of my gran but of other outside situations.

I'm just exhausted in whole. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.

This isn't even half of the shit gone wrong, but who cares anyway? That's just life, isn't it?