I'm pathetic.

I'm in a rotten mood. I'm sick of my life right now. I keep forgetting my place and the fact that I'm a 14 year-old and that I know nothing. I keep getting excited and annoying people and trying too hard. I keep lying and hiding my true feelings and faking smiles. And then when I do show how I feel, I end up regretting it because it has a worse effect than lying.

And nobody cares. Not my "best friends". Not my fig (writing community) family. Not even my close friends. And harpies not my real family. I'm tired. I've barely eaten the past few days because everything makes me sick to my stomach. I'm borderline anemic. I'm behind on my schoolwork. I had to withdraw from a writing competition that I ACTUALLY had a chance at because I didn't have enough time.

Tonight found out that I really SUCK at singing, when it has taken me at least half my life to work up the courage to think I'm decent.

And I'm still in love with my best friend, no matter how hard I try to squelch it. I just HAD to go and tell her that I like him, and now I've ruined stuff between me and her. Well, it's not my fault she lied to me about not liking him. It's not my fault she keeps everything to herself. I'm try to be an honest person, okay? And I stupidly expect others to try, also.

Have I just screwed things up between the three of us? I can't even trust her not to tell him. Why, why, why why WHY did I tell her?! Now he's going to be awkward around me and he won't hug me anymore or tell me he loves me, because he'll be afraid I'll take it the wrong way. I won't. I know he doesn't care for me. I know he likes her. I know he's willing to wait for her. I just wish he did, didn't, and isn't.

My self-esteem is so low right now.