My Biggest Downfall

"I found I could say things with color and shapes that I couldn't say any other way - things I had no words for. -Georgia O'Keeffe

I'm an art freak. My life revolved around art. All types, all shapes and all forms etc. etc. etc. In high school, my entire schedule was devoted to art. All my electives were a different form of art, with the basics of everything else. I did mediocre in most classes, enough to get me the fuck out of there, and into my comfort zone. Photography. 3-D Design. Sculpting. Drawing. Even the basics of Art 101, I took them. Always the first one on the roster, and the first in the class, seating myself promptly in the middle of the room, alone, of course. I ate my lunch alone, in the art rooms. I spent more time in the dark developing film than perhaps humanly possible. I was okay with this.

The stigma of an art student is pretty accurate. Douchey, egocentric, bicycle riding, pot-smoking(seriously, for the most part), socially awkward straight up assholes. I can say this, because I am or well was one.
I spent four years in AP Studio Art. I spent more than five-hundred hours devoting everything I had just to get into that school.

Top Five Art Programs in the United States (go as followed):

1. Yale University-Applied for, did not get in
2. Rhode Island School of Design-Applied for, did not get in
3. School of the Art Institute of Chicago-Applied for, got in
4. Virginia Commonwealth University-Applied for, got in
5. California Institute of Art-Applied for, did not get in. "Wait listed."

The fall of 2011, I attended The Virginia Commonwealth University's art program (For I am a RVA city dweller, much like my age demographic.)

*Fun fact, Richmond is a very fast growing art metropolitan. We do have the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts. (I still have pieces from high school hanging in the galleries there along with the Congressional Hall.)

My schedule started with a morning of Color Theory, followed by Textiles, an afternoon of Psychology, and an evening of Drawing 101. This was Monday's and Wednesday's schedule. Tuesday and Thursday circled around a morning of Arts Foundations(which was rather grueling), a mid morning Art History class followed by an afternoon of Biology.

It's scary when that sudden realization of everything you love, everything you've worked towards isn't what you want. It isn't your favorite thing in the world, and perhaps allows you to question your entire existent. Well, my favorite thing in the world turned into a chore. A very big chore. One that did not allow motivation to get out of bed and dive headfirst into Arts Foundations where a middle-aged graying woman barked orders of what she wanted and refused to answer any questions. I couldn't stand it. I did not like being told what to do, what to paint, what lines to follow, what artist to gather inspiration from. Limitations. I hated the limitations. Art was not about limitations it was about the unlimited expectations.

[big][big][big]I'm an art school drop out[/big][/big][/big]

Fuck.

Recently, I wandered back to my comfort zone, dropping off empty fill canisters with the photography teacher at my local high school, briefly speaking with her, and telling her my tale of sorrow if you must before finding my way to my AP Art Teacher. Her attitude, her condescending and rude tone reminded me what I gave up. And suddenly, I didn't feel so bad. I didn't want to graduate from one of the top art programs in the US and end up as an art teacher, barely making 40,000 a year, being bitter towards other students who have excelled and pushed past the boundaries redefining art for themselves as a whole. We laugh at those with Liberal Art Degrees. I'm starting to laugh at myself for pursing such a silly dream. A silly hobby really. Perhaps, my sudden realization has made me resent my 'other life'.

I refuse to touch a camera, pick up a pencil and doodle. Hell, even open up a $700 photo editing software given to me on graduation day.

Perhaps, I'll eventually drift back to art, but till then I leave you all with this entry. I hope you all make an effort to understand this.

Have any of you gone through something similar? Maybe not art, maybe writing or singing? Any sort of talent or hobby you enjoy that you find yourself suddenly disliking? Please, share your stories below! Also, feel free to comment my profile with any questions or concerns, even advice on getting to the art career or how you survived through art school!