Dumb.

I need to do some major-ass ranting, so I'd just hit the back button right now. This isn't really a worthy read, it's just one of those "I need to type this shit out" kind of things.

I hate depressing journals! I really do, they suck. I hate everything about sadness and I don't want to be involved in it anymore.

I feel so trapped in my life, it's ridiculous. Like, I'm 19 fucking years old, and I'm walking around like some middle aged woman in crisis, because I feel so trapped by my job, and my family, and my relationship, and the area I live in.

I hate what my life's become. I've seriously sat here for the past couple of hours, just waiting for my boyfriend to come home, listening to cars go by and hoping it's him. I have nothing to do, because somehow I lost all my friends and family? I know I didn't deserve all of that, per say, but I did do a great job in pushing people away.

Now my boyfriend is the only person I can talk to, literally the only person I can talk to. I don't have a single strong relationship with anyone in the world anymore beside him, and that really sucks. I hate, hate, being so dependent.

Especially on a boy, and especially on a boy who I have such conflicted feelings about. One minute I'm too good for him and the next he's too good for me.

I live with him, after getting kicked out of my friend's apartment or something, and I hate it. His parents are awesome, and he's awesome, I just can't live with people. I can't stand being polite. I've lived here for months now and I'm starving but I don't want to go downstairs and impose and eat their food.

And I hate this area. I know people say the place they live in is bad, but this place is bad. Not only are we geographically situated to be more depressed, but this place is FUCKED UP.

The people are extremely lacking in intelligence (4 out of 15 kids in my boyfriend's cousin's elementary class don't have to recieve special help, which means 73% of her class does), and the people are just stuck in this crazy cycle of poverty, drug abuse, and tragedy.

There is no way, in a town of less than 2,000, that murder, drug use, theft, and other crimes should be so prevalent, along with suicides.

This place is fucked, and I'm just sitting here like some middle aged woman, just unable to figure out a way to do anything about it.

This was my biggest fear growing up, and it happened right before my eyes.

I just feel dumb, and pathetic. Extremely pathetic. I hope no one even read this far, it's pointless. I'm not going to wrap this up with a conclusion or anything. Everything's just fucking dumb and I'm done with it.