retention

Lately I've been walking to the park a few blocks away from my house and literally swing for around two hours listening to La Dispute and thinking. Sometimes it's as much as thinking about death, sometimes it's just what to do tomorrow after school. Sometimes I go lay on one of the benches and watch the sky turn from day to night, and gaze at what little stars I can see. Normally there's only around two or three, but every once in a while you get quite a few up there once your eyes adjust. I feel lonely, but I feel an odd happiness as well and sometimes all of it is just way too much to take in at once and I just wish I could share these feelings with someone else.

But I know all I need is myself.

Sometimes I'll walk past my old house and recall the memories that are painted on the walls. When we were all friends, when we all still got along. Sometimes I miss sneaking off to the kitchen to steal a few intimate moments with him while everyone ate pizza in the living room. Sometimes I miss the hole in the window, and the frosted window in the bathtub. Sometimes I miss how green our backyard was and how the tress looked in the springtime and I miss sitting on the trampoline watching the clouds float over my head and wondering how it would feel to be on one. Sometimes I remember the bad times though, waking up to find the vase broken and the flowers destroyed. Finding the books thrown on the floor and my mom curled up on the couch. I remember the tears that came every night, and how they never really stopped coming they just eased up a bit or I gained a little more control over them. Sometimes I remember laying in bed with him at my house in my makeshift little room with the mattress on the floor and the curtains pinned to the wall, and how he never judged me despite that. Sometimes I even remember her in faint glimpses and I start shaking. I remember the first night I got there, how broken I was. I remember being scared beyond belief and finally owning up to the abuse.

Then I keep walking home and I pass by the new school, and I find it funny how quickly they disposed of the old one-- like it was never there. No regard for memories and I wish I could just do that. Destroy all of the memories. No matter how many pictures I delete, how many letter I throw away they're burned into every song and every place I go to. I've lived in this suburban town for seventeen years and there's no escaping the memories and the people who've touched my mind. Sometimes I wish I could just leave it all behind and cut the strings tied around my wrists and buried in my veins without losing part of me.