I have never been one to have many friends; I have always been a loner, an outcast. Even amongst the society of outcasts, I have felt isolated. It has only been since I have begun writing fanfictions in the My Chemical Romance community that I have found what some would call popularity. But I still feel held at arm's length sometimes.
Within this... whatever social status I have achieved, my relationships with people seem to follow one of three patterns I have noticed.
There are those that I speak to in passing. We are friendly. We chat about things and have conversations about specific subjects. Even if we are not very intimate, I consider them friends. If they were to come to me for help, of any sort, I would not hesitate to offer them whatever assistance I am capable of offering. These are generally short lived friendships, but they could very well be long term. Most of my friendships fall into this catergory, much to my dismay.
The second type is the "best friend." These are people that I become very intimate with. I spend nearly all my time online chatting with these friends. We share some common interest that binds us together, and we normally have our own inside comments that we joke about occassionally on public forums that no one else understands. I almost live to tell them my every waking thought and hear their every passing word. These friendships are not normally very short, but they are still fleeting, heading towards an end eventually.
But my favorite type of friendship is this last one. These are the ones that embody both of the above types, but these friendships seem permanent. They wax and wane in conversation and intimacy, but somehow we always seem to come back to each other. I know that when they aren't a prominent figure in my life that they are still there, that I could simply message them and we'd pick up right where we left off, for the most part. Sometimes I'm the one that gets distracted, and sometimes they are. I am completely comfortable in these relationships, in only these relationships. I know I can fully be myself, and that these people will still be my friend. In all my time online, I have only found two of these friends; and I am still friends with them (hence the permanency statement). (You should know who you are, but just in case... if I messaged you a link to this blog, you are one of the two!) I know I am WAY too attached to these two people, but I can't help it; I have found something different in each of them that I want to desperately cling to.
I will admit that some might call me selfish in my friendships; I look to get something lasting out of every relationship, no matter how great or small, to take with me, even if it's just the smallest bit of information. There is knowledge all around us, and the older I get, I realize the less I know. But I know I can learn something from everyone, so I try to do that.
If that makes me selfish, then I'd really like to believe I am also selfless. I try to give more than I take. I don't spout knowledge continuously or try to give mini-lessons to people, though; everyone doesn't seek knowledge like myself. I try to offer myself in whatever capacity that person needs: a kind word, a supportive/encouraging conversation, a shoulder to cry on, to just be an open mind and accepting... or if they need it, a teacher. I'm sure I haven't left something with every friend I've ever had; I am not that gifted, nor conceited enough to think that I am.
I only find myself thinking these things tonight because I have noticed a shifting in my friendships. In recent, I have lost a few friends, but I am in the process of making new ones. It has all just got me into a state of thankfulness... something I wanted to share with everyone. So...
If you have ever been, currently are, or are ever a friend to me, please know I am grateful for your presence in my life, no matter its size. I am grateful for the things I have learned from you, whether those things are about the world around me or about myself. Thank you for being there when I needed someone, for teaching me the things I needed to know right then, and for allowing me to offer you a part of myself in return! But most importantly, THANK YOU for simply being my friend! I may not remember all of you forever, but I will always remember the things you have taught me. I only hope that I have made on you just a portion of the impact that you have made on me!
Hugs and loves!
Miz
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