I'm Telling You What You Want to Hear

"I'm fine"
"It's ok"
"Everything is great"
"I understand"
"I don't need help"
"It doesn't hurt"
All these things I'm saying, because they're what everyone else wants to hear, and what I wish I could say to them. But they aren't true.
I am not fine. I'm actually a train-wreck on the inside. I'm torn, I don't know what to do or say to make things right for myself.
It isn't okay. I don't deserve this. I'm not a plaything, not a toy. I can't be everyones fall-back, everyones second choice. It's not fair to me to never know exactly where I stand.
Nothing is great. Let's be honest here, everything is kind of shit right now. Healthy relationships? hah, what are those? And friendship? Please. Who doesn't stab you in the back these days?
I don't understand. I can't. I try really hard to understand trust me I do. But I just don't. I don't understand what is happening or why, or why this shit always happens to me. I don't understand why I'm never smart enough, never nice enough, never pretty enough, never funny enough, never happy enough, never generous enough, never good enough.
I do need help. I am struggling. It feels like I'm screaming and no one hears me.
It does hurt. Or maybe it doesn't. I can't even tell anymore. I've become so accustomed to the pain. So numb, because if I let myself feel everything it would break me.
So don't buy into anything I tell you. Because I'm just telling you what you want to hear.