Anxiety and me.

Oh anxiety. We all feel it now and again. Its healthy in a lot of ways. It protects us from danger, it regulates our body but for some, like myself, it is completely debilitating.
I grew up a fairly normal childhood. I did the things that other kids did, I had friends, I went to school, but I always noticed that something was a little off with me. Things seemed to bother me more so then they did other kids. I remember a teacher told me to quiet down cause I was talking too much, and she wrote my name on the board. I ended up crying so much and so hard that she took it down and apologized. Parent teacher was especially tough. I remember crying every year around report card time because I assumed I was always in trouble, or that I had failed something.
I had a good best friend. Lynn. She stood up for me when I was nervous, she basically took care of me throughout my years in school. At that point we didn't have a name for my anxiety, we just said that she was the brave one, and I was the nervous one. She was my support. She held my hands through the worst anxiety attacks in my life, and honestly if it weren't for her, I can't say that I would still be here today.
One of my triggers growing up were when people would say "I have something to tell you, but I will tell you later" Try saying that to me and I will literally freak out and cause a scene until you tell me. I can't wait. The anxiety that courses through my body feels like someone pouring boiling water into my veins and I feel it crawl up my legs and up into my lungs and heart and after that happens, I am not in control of my emotions or the things that I will say or do. I also have a very hard time with being criticized. I am aware of my faults, and I will be the first person to tell you about them, but when someone else points them out, I just can't take it. The best way I can explain the feeling of having an anxiety attack, is literally drowning in panic. Its all you can think about, your body goes into overdrive. You feel (and hear) your heart pounding, you feel like you have to gasp to breathe, and sometimes you pass out. When I do pass out, I feel like its my body just giving up. Like its saying "thats it, I can only handle so much anxiety. I am turning off". When ever I am having a panic attack, its like the world is ending for me, and there isn't much you can say or do to stop it.
My panic attacks can range from very unnoticeable to immense. They can last as long as five minutes to an entire day. I have lost countless nights of sleep, and I would like to account some of my unhealthy eating patterns to it as well. With anxiety your body is constantly in "fight or flight" mode, it is hard to close your eyes and sleep when your body and mind is preparing for a fight. I have lost so many people because of "flighting" too. I don't know how many people I have pushed away because it is easier then having to deal with the anxiety of being with them. I don't break up with people, I push them away.
My very first anxiety attack that I can remember happened at school. I was told to go to room 180 upstairs, my teachers wanted to talk to me collectively. I was in grade 7. I remember my hands shaking as I turned the knob of the door. I walked into the room and there sat all five of my teachers with papers in there hands. In front of them was one chair for me to sit in. I guess the point of the meeting was to tell me I was doing well in school, and that I have improved, but just the set up of the room I started to cry. The crying grew and grew and I felt my chest feel heavy. I started to gasp for air and I ran out of the room and into the bathroom and locked myself in a stall. One of the teachers ran after me and tried to console me and explain that it was a good thing. I of course wasn't listening to her and my breathing turned into hyperventilating. The walls felt like they were closing in on me and my vision was blurry. I kept yelling "I want my mom". The teacher didn't want to leave me alone, but had to leave just long enough to get someone to call for help. During that time I passed out and I don't remember much else. I woke in the hospital with oxygen mask on. At this point I still didn't have a diagnosis.
I think everybody who has generalized anxiety has odd triggers. Mine include but aren't limited to phone calls, facebook messages, texts, letters, meetings. Basically any pathway that can lead to bad news for me. I am 19 now, and just a couple of weeks ago my teacher handed me a white envelope. I didn't even have to open it before the panic set in. I didn't know what the letter would say, the possibility of it saying something negative largely outweighed the possibility of it being positive in my head. My hands shook as I immediately ripped it open, tears rolled down my face and I had to run out of the room with it. Class was just starting, but I couldn't wait till the end to open it. That would have caused an even bigger scene. After all that the letter just said that I owed 80 dollars towards my tuition. Not a big deal at all in retrospect, but that, just that ruined my entire day. I was humiliated. It seems that anything can set me off. I went to the police station last month to get a criminal record check, and I knew I didn't have one, but just going to the station sent me into another emotional whirlwind.
I guess the only coping there is for someone who has anxiety is to find anti-triggers, as I like to call them. Think about something that causes you no anxiety at all. It can be anything really. A fond memory, a secret safe place and when you feel anxiety coming, try to block it out. Nobody can hurt you in your safe place. Mine is a beach at sunset with pretty flowers everywhere. When I feel anxiety I close my eyes and try to picture the beach. I imagine the cool water (and sometimes touching actual cold water helps a lot), I immagine taking a breath of fresh air in at the beach (going outside during an anxiety attack helps me), and imagine how safe and soft the bed of flowers are (a soft blanket). That is one of the ways I have learned to cope better. I also self sooth often, ways in which I do this is I will rub my eyebrows back and forth or squeeze my hands tightly. Self talk can be hard to do when you are in a panic, so instead I will listen to music and let that talk to me instead. I think being creative in what ever way you can be is a help over all, as it lets you express yourself in which ever way you want to. It creates a certain amount of control, and I think thats what I lack the most. I think that substance abuse and self harm are dangerous traps for people with anxiety disorder because those are negative ways of control. So its important to find other ways.
A positive attitude about it helps a lot too, as much as you can, try to be positive. Depression is very common for people who have anxiety, so its important to take care of yourself and learn your triggers and coping methods. Therapy can help, but sometimes all the therapy you need can be found in a friend. Somebody who will listen to you, even when you don't make sense. (trust me, you need this support) Cause more often then not our anxiety is irrational, but its real. The feelings, the fear. Its real and its terrifying, and sometime just having someone listen is all you need. I have found a certain amount of peace in researching anxiety disorder and learning that I am not alone. That other people feel nervous just like I do.
People ask me what they can do when I am having an anxiety attack, well for me (it's a bit different for everybody) I can come out of a bad anxiety attack if the other person is calm and strong. Remind me of my breathing and to take deep breaths. In through the nose, and out through the mouth. Hold my hand and rub my back and put my on the ground or a bed because if it is bad enough I will pass out. I should have ativan in my purse, and puffers, if you get them I know how to do the rest. The main thing to remember is that I am not going to die, I will eventually stop, I just need patience and time.
Anyways, just wanted to get that out, as it has been on my mind for the last couple weeks. If anybody needs any help I am here :)