Um...Hello...

I don't post blog entries. I just don't. People on here that know me in real life know that I try to be a suffer-in-silence type. Today is not one of those days. In fact, it's the reason that I had to emphasize the word 'try' that I'm posting a blog entry.

Today, I realized that I'm annoying as fuck.

If you don't want to hear me throwing a pity-party, then X out of this blog entry now. I'm not asking you to deal with my bullshit if you don't have to.

If you've decided to stay, please feel free to leave whenever you please. I can't promise that this will be very riveting for you.

Anyway, back to the point, I'm annoying as fuck. This "amazing" revelation occurred when my French sub said that I was talking too much while we were given free time to work on our assignments. I felt my face go red as I apologized. I thought I was just a little too talkative for the sub's taste, which was a little embarrassing for me. Then later in class, a student was asking for something (I honestly can't remember what) and she used the excuse that they've all been relatively quiet, except for Katie, me.

Now a student that I spend an hour with for five days out of the week was commenting on how much and how loudly I apparently talk. This time, I didn't feel embarrassed. Instead, I felt downright ashamed. Was I really that annoying?

Turns out that yes, I am that annoying. I reflected on the times that I continuously talked to the people that I call my friends, even after they were done with the conversation. It occurred to me that I was more socially awkward than I had ever thought. I am completely and utterly annoying.

Toss in the fact that I have not been up to par on my acting standards in the past few weeks, I'm starting to feel more than a little depressed.

I don't know what I'm doing. I can't decide between trying to change or going "Fuck them! This is who I am!" Where does one even draw that line between being oneself and being a jackass? Obviously, that line is there. But what do we even do when we realize that we have to decide what side of the line our flaws, faults, and habits lie?

I'm honestly freaking out about it right now, among other things (i.e. an assignment that I didn't finish along with two tests for tomorrow). I don't ask for help. I don't ask for guidance. After failing at a year relationship, I learned the hard way that I shouldn't rely on people because they'll always ask for something in return. For therapists, it's monetary payment. For him, it was a pledge for an eternal love that I didn't feel comfortable giving him.

But now, I'm asking for help. I need guidance. Has anyone successfully gone through this before? Can anyone at least point me in the right direction? I feel like I've hit a dead end.

If you've read through this whole thing, thanks for at least giving me some kind of consideration. I hope the rest of your night goes well.

~Katie