Twelve days clean & my addiction manifesting itself.

Well, hi. Here I am.

I just got out of rehab yesterday, after my insurance was pretty much like, "you've been in rehab eleven times already, screw you." So, I have twelve days clean and serene as of today... Well... clean. I don't know about serene. My addiction is manifesting itself in another way... Codependency.

While I was in treatment, I met this guy, Matt, and he and I just hit it off. He's smart, sweet, handsome, sensitive, eloquent, creative, blah blah blah... He and I would make faces at each other in group and make hearts with our hands from across the room. We weren't allowed to talk that much due to gender restrictions, but, when we did talk, I had this feeling of utter euphoria. Basically, I was getting high off of Matt. And now I'm craving that high.

One day, I was waiting outside of the bathroom, which is in a secluded hallway, and, who comes out other than Matt? He had shared in group about how depressed he was feeling, so, I was like, "are you feeling better?" He told me that he was a little bit, and I told him to cheer up, and we hugged. I told him that he needed to smile more because he had a beautiful smile, and I kissed him on the cheek... Then he kissed me. We stood outside the bathroom, alone, holding each other, and kissed. And it felt amazing. Now, here I am, sitting at home, he's still in treatment, and I can't even focus on anything because all my mind seems to want to think about is him.

This really sucks, not only because of the addiction aspect, but because I feel anything towards him. August 20, 2011, the only person I've ever been in love with was murdered. Since his death, I haven't felt any sort of attraction, other than physical, to anybody... and, now, here I am, feeling again for some guy I met in rehab. Some guy that lives in a different city than me. A guy who I'll probably never get to see again.

I wrote him a letter, and I sent it out yesterday, and now I'm focusing solely on anticipating his response. I can't stand this. I couldn't do anything in school today because, when I tried to read the text, my head kept shouting "Matt!" and I would start mulling over every second I had of his presence. I'm obsessing.

I've known this guy for a week and I'm addicted to him...

I want him, and I hate it.

I need help.