I don't know what to call this. My other title was stupid.

Alright well here it goes. I know I said I'd write more but for some reason when I make plans to start doing something it soon all turns to shit. I don't know why I say that like it's some strange occurrence that can't be explained when really It's just because I'm lazy and have a lack of motivation.

Lately I have a lack of motivation to do anything at all really. Even things I liked to do. It's not like it just sprung upon me I'v felt it coming on for sometime now really. I just I don't feel like doing anything , all I want to do is just lay in bed and not do anything. I'v barely been getting any school work done. I have a application to complete to go to an art school that I want to go to but I can't seem to bring myself to do the three required drawings for it. Every time I try to do art any more all I want to do is instantly tear it up.

I sound so fucking depressing I know. I feel so pathetic sometimes I just step back and look at myself and all I'd like to do is slap my self and say "Look at you! You're depressed about wasting your life but by being depressed you've only wasted your life more.Now get on with your fucking life!" But even after that I still continue to be just as pathetic.

To day I woke up and literally wanted to die because of a boy. A boy! do you know how cliche and silly that makes me feel? He isn't even My boyfriend, well he was but that was years ago. I Have a boyfriend and he's very lovely and understanding and I love him a lot. The reason I felt like dying this morning is because a boy who I used to date years ago hasn't been talking to me. We have a strange relationship really ever since we broke up I'v talked to him every once in a while maybe once a month sometimes more sometimes less. We have really nice conversations really, better conversations than I have with any one else.

Well anyway the point is every time I try to talk to him lately he doesn't respond. So I wrote this very long well thought out text message telling him I miss talking to him, and I like talking to him. Also that
I hope he hasn't out grown me, now that he's gone of to collage. I used proper grammar and punctuation and was very articulate about it. For two days now though it's gone unanswered and that's only let me feeling silly for sending it in the first place. I just feel like what ever very strange relationship we had continued since we broke up is over now.

Most of all though I just think I'm lonely. I spend most of my day alone in my house. The only people I talk to is my boyfriend and my family. My boyfriend lives a hour away so my mother only lets me see him every other week. I just want some one to talk to other than My boyfriend, and I don't mean some silly conversation about nothing. I mean a real conversation with substance with depth. I feel like no one has enough of those kind of conversations now a days.

I want to talk to some one about Life, and how hopelessly lost I feel. All I want to do Is make a difference even if it's small. I just want there to be a reason for people to remember me after I die something worth remembering me for. Isn't that what most people want though? I just want My words to mean something I want to make Art that people actually think is good and not just smile and nod when I show it to people. That just drives me crazy. Right now all I feel like is a girl with a computer complaining just wanting to be heard and wasting her life away.