Why Is Everything So Hard?

Well, school is definitely catching me up. I've resorted to asking my big sister to get home early to hide my report card I'm so behind. I feel stupid whenever I ask somebody for help because they talk to me like they're belittling me almost and I can't stand being talked down to. Teaching doesn't have to be seeing everyone as your lesser. For people who aren't passionate about something, yes the teacher has every right to be upset. But that only applies to extra curriculars because you're the one who chose what you wanted to do. Academics, you have no choice on anything. English is what's killing me right now. Why, at this moment I'm putting off writing my rough draft, due in a few hours, describing Nathaniel Hawthorne's style of writing describing his opinions on Puritanism, blah blah blah. It's all Greek to me, yet I have to be forced to care, or at least pretend I care. I can't ask her for help because she gives the "Well, you're an honors student. These questions are too stupid for me to answer" face. I think I understand why she's so harsh about things because we're Honors obviously, but she knows people have different learning paces. As a teacher she's obliged to TEACH, not just throw stuff out and expect us to know it, right? I have to be there and pretend I read the book. Yeah, I'm probably the laziest student in her class, but I personally think I still care. Not as much as the AP "I do homework and study in my sleep"kids, obviously, but still enough to know this class is important. I'm sorry you don't understand how the rest of my essay had to do with my thesis, it's super clear and as an honors teacher, I'm astounded that it's not only you. The past three years of high school, all three English honors teachers didn't understand my arguments. They over think things way too much, thus making a generally straight-forward person such as myself look stupid. I resent the assignments, the reading, the clock for taunting me as it drags its hands as slow and painful as possible.

Not just school that sucks, but people, of course. Who has a perfect life with no one that even irritates them in the least? No one. Wel,, My friends from preschool and higher still are friends with me, but they told me to my face that they replaced me with one of my other friends. They said ""she's the new you" I don't understand how people whom I thought were some of my closest could say something like that. Their excuse was "well, maybe if you'd be here more, you'd know that's just our sense of humor." I don't ditch them. I felt like I had a knife in the heart because I felt utterly alone. why would they say that? Excuse me for actually being social and talking to other people and having stuff to do other than go straight home after fifth period with minimal classes and go read homestuck. I can't tell them anything because they judge me. Instantly. I can't say a single thing without having it be over interpretted and shot back in my face. I know i'm not the most quick-witted person ever, but it sucks to have friends that just make you feel worse about it. I'm not afraid to admit I'm wrong, so I don't fight back in case I am, which just results in them calling me stupid. I fell like I'm ready to quit on them. I've done so much for them, so little in their eyes, yet they still don't appreciate it.

Why is it that the second I get closer with my best friend, I fall totally head-over-heels for him? His other friend told me that he's pretty sure....let's call him...Tony. Tony Stark. Well, Tony and I are super close, and his friend is prett sure he likes me. I personally don't see it because things have gotten harder to say. They used to be so easy before, but it's as if everything's been said and resaid. Even the new conversations seem bleak because he has another girl who hangs all over him and flirts like a mad-woman the moment I leave his side. He seems to have become closer with her lately, and i'm so afraid of losing him. I don't want to give him up as my friend of anything else. It sucks that she's the cute, little tiny asian chick that all the guys are so into because she's teen pretty and girl cute. Well, I miss Tony. I see him constantly, but I feel like we've drifted in a matter of days. Soon, we'll be Pangaea: Our own worlds with different people inhabiting them. I'm on a skiff with no paddles, but I imagine that maybe, after sailing opposite directions around the circumference of the globe, we can meet again. At this point all I can do is pray. Things change too quickly, but why does it have to be d=so difficult to stay flexible and adjust?