I'm sorry I couldn't protect you

Well this is the first time of ever doing this and I'm doing it here because no-one knows who I am and I know this will never get read.

February 2nd 2004
The last day of the old me. The last day of the happy me. I was 25 weeks pregnant with my first child. A boy, and he was going to be named Dylan. I woke up that morning and everything changed forever.

Unbearable pain started to pass across my stomach and being only 19 at the time. I was too scared, too terrified to ask for help. I hoped and prayed it would just go away. Unknown to me at the time I was infact contracting. Dylan was on his way.

By tea time that night the pain became too much and I had to go to the hospital. I was then told something that no-one should ever have to hear.

"I'm sorry your baby is dead"
I am forever haunted and tortured by that sentence

Dead ! he can't be dead. Babies don't die, I was meant to keep him safe. He was meant to tucked up inside me till the early summer. I carrried him, nobody else. Me, it was my job to protect him and I couldn't do it. My body failed him. I failed him. I couldn't do the most natural job that could be asked of a woman and deliver my baby here safe and sound.

He arrived at 7;20pm and weighed a little under 1lb. He was tiny but perfect.

Dylan was cremated two weeks later.

It wasn't until after dylan was born I discovered that 17 babies EVERY DAY die in the UK from stillbirth or neonatal death. 17 families everyday are left destroyed and never recover. If anyone does read this. By the time you do. Another 17 babies have gone.

I always wonder what he looks like now. Would he be ginger like Ellis, or would he have fair hair like the girls. Would he have taken after me or richard in personality.

I wonder if he's safe in heaven. Is he being looked after ? The thought of him being alone scares the life out of me. I'd give anything just to see him once. Just one time for me to tell him I'll always love him and for him tell me he's okay and he'll be waiting for me when It's my time to join him.