have you ever even had a boyfriend?

I can fake experience really well.

Growing up I moved around so much and so often that relationships not only never lasted, but hardly ever had any time to grow. The closest thing I ever had to a boyfriend was in 7th grade. His name was Max and he put his arm around me when we walked down the hallway and we told everyone that we were going steady.

It was awkward and we never did anything but stand close to one another and sometimes we held hands, but I didn't like that so we didn't do it a whole lot.

But high school was a different game, it was easier to just fake experience and not have to talk about how I didn't do relationships out of habit and I didn't know the first thing about having one. I couldn't even flirt, I still don't know how to flirt. I mean, I can be charming and witty and funny, and maybe that is a form of flirting, but if someone took me to a bar pointed to a guy and said "flirt with him." I'd have no idea what I was supposed to be doing.

So today someone went straight for the jugular and asked me if I had ever even had a boyfriend, and I still couldn't give a straight answer, but they figured it out for the most part. This guy got straight in front of me, looked me in the eye, and wanted to know what I liked. He wanted to know what I wanted and he wanted to know why I didn't like the guys who (to everyone else) had been flirting with me.

He wasn't saying it because he wanted to date me, he was asking and he just didn't want to bullshit around (which a part of me appreciated, because most of my life is faking it to make people happy and honesty for honesty's sake is something... nice.)

I said the only thing I could and said that all of the guys were nice, but they were nice. He asked me if I wanted an asshole thug that sagged and I said it wasn't about that. He kept throwing questions at me until I blurted the first things that came to mind which was the truth.

I said that even though I wasn't a commitment phobe, that I had no idea if I wanted something like that.

I just, I want a relationship with a guy. I tell myself that because part of me really does want one, but guys and trust and things of that nature are just so outside my schtick.

It's not even that I want an asshole guy, it's that I need someone who is equally as dominant as me. I don't come off as very alpha to most people, but I'm very controlling and pushy and with almost every guy who has had romantic intentions toward me, I've been able to push and manipulate them into doing what I want or need. I don't want that. I want someone who is going to push back and isn't just going to roll over. I want someone that I can talk to and isn't going to tell me what I want to hear all of the time, but what I need to hear instead.

Like, I'm fucked up a little bit. You don't get to have the type of life I've had and not end up a little fucked up, and I just need someone who's gonna get that I'm screwed up and be okay with it, but I'm not sure that anyone is ever going to be able to get close enough to figure it out so I think I'm just going to be alone.

I just needed to say that.