I can't even look after myself. I feel so ill and fucked up, I've lost control.
I don't really sleep because my insomnia is back again, then I have to wake up at 5.45AM for college. And when I do sleep, I really sleep, right through the day and then my body clock is messed up and I get into this depressing routine of sleeping in late, so just staying in bed until I sleep again, not going anywhere and barely moving.
I barely eat anymore, today is the first day in a while I've really properly eaten. I actually had breakfast, lunch and dinner. Amazing. I've been practically starving myself and it's horrible because then I get sick and drained but then because I'm hardly eating when I do eat it makes me feel even more sick. I'm also eating the completely wrong kinds of foods and it's disgusting. Yesterday I didn't eat at all until 5.15PM even though I was constantly on the move and even then I just had a happy meal but left some of it. I choose other things over eating. I choose to stay in bed. I choose to fuss over how I look. I choose to stay hungry because I don't know what to eat or can't be bothered to make anything. It's awful.
My smoking got pretty bad too but to be fair I have cut down a LOT the past few days. I've had 1 fag in 4 days. I'm actually so proud of myself for that. I'll be having one tomorrow though. But it got to the point where I was just having so many cigarettes suddenly and smoking so much weed that I was lightheaded all the time and practically breathing smoke. But, guys, 1 fag in 4 days and haven't had a joint in nearly 2 weeks okay... It probably won't stay like this but I've done fairly well.
I don't think smoking goes down well with my skin. That's one of the things that gets to me the most, my acne is back and worse than ever. Tomorrow at the doctors I'm finally asking for some acne treatment because I'm just so fed up with it. It's actually uncomfortable on my face.
I've been feeling like shit and been doing things which involve my ex that I probably shouldn't be. Josh hasn't text me since he left mine nearly 10 days ago and I miss him so much it hurts. I had a panic attack on the bus yesterday and thought I was going to throw up or pass out or die or something along those lines. It was so horrible.
Right now my whole body is just aching from the 12 hour college day. Get up at 6AM, get home at 6PM. Awful. The weather doesn't help either. It was so windy and rainy I was actually struggling to walk forwards.
Tomorrow I have doctors and I have to talk about my acne, insomnia and depression. I may be put on anti-depressants and I actually hope I am because it might help.
Can't wait to get some nice shit for my skin to lather on my face.
Weekend I have no plans. Matt was gonna come round but turns out I don't have a free house which is annoying so I really want to go to Dev and Josh's house to stay but I don't want to like invite myself and neither of them seem to be talking to me anyway. That kills, because they mean a lot to me.
Suppose I'll have to go out in the cold, wind and rain to do photography for my final 6 photos for college. Ugh.
I look and feel so disgusting lately.
Oh and I got a free home chlamydia test through the post for some odd reason so I did it and send it off this morning. Wish me luck? Haha!
I really just want to crawl up in my duvet forever and never have to worry about when I can or can't sleep, eating, smoking, acne, lads, college, depression and apparently STI's ever again.
Or thongs. Because I bought a couple because I wanted to try them out and I thought Josh would appreciate anyway as he likes bums but to be honest I don't see what all the fuss is about with a bit of material wedged up your ass. It feels so annoying. Makes my bottom look quite peachy I suppose though.
He better appreciate my pain next time I undress in front of him.
Also, today I realised what my favourite thing is. And I never even noticed how much I love it. But when Josh picks me up and I get that feeling in my stomach because I've seen his face that I've missed again and I feel slightly nervous suddenly but happy and we're listening to music and talking and his music taste is perfect so I always like what we're listening to, then he starts singing along. That's my favourite thing. He's fucking beautiful when he sings. I remember this exact moment once when 'Money' by The Drums was playing and he said something like "this song explains my life perfectly right now, so relevant" then started singing the lyrics "I want to buy you something, but I don't have any money, no I don't have any money" while glancing over at me and smiling and I just melted a bit.
As lovely as that all is it makes me really sad because that was the last time I watched him sing in his car.
I get far too attached to little memories.
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