I would very much like it to be December now. With everything that happened this year, I just want that nice Christmas feeling in my house again and have a good ending to this year.
In December 2008 when I was 16, I got bronchitis and I was sick for 2 weeks. It got really bad in the first place because I didn’t want to believe it was bronchitis so I wouldn’t have to go to the doctor. I eventually went though, after a week. By then, I thought I was going to die because I couldn’t breathe. My lungs hurt so bad, I was coughing up bloody phlegm, and I couldn’t ever sleep. When I could sleep, I slept in my mom’s room upstairs because my room, which is located in the basement, was too dusty, dry, and made my throat hurt more.
One night, around 8pm, I was feeling a little better so I came out of my mom’s room. It suddenly smelled like apple spice and Christmas tree. The lighting in the living room was dim except for the Christmas lights hanging up along the walls and on the windows and our Christmas tree set up all bright and sparkly. There was red garland and snowflakes all over. My mom had decorated the entire house while I was resting.
She wasn’t there though when I came out of the room. I think she went to work for a few hours or something. I lay down on the long couch with a blanket. That children’s Christmas movie was on, The Little Drummer Boy. I hadn’t watched that movie since I was tiny, when I used to visit my Grandma.
Something with watching that show, the Christmas tree, the smell of apple spice, the warm feeling that my mom created in the house, I don’t know, but something just made me start crying. Despite the fact that I felt so sick, that I lost my appetite, lost 10lbs, couldn’t breathe, I still felt so loved and comforted at that moment.
It’s my favorite memory in my entire life. I don’t think my mom knows that. I don’t think she knows how much I appreciated her that night. Then when she came home, I gave her a hug and she smelled like cold air, like winter, and perfume. It reminded me of a different time when I was better. When I was beautiful even though I didn’t see it at the time. I don’t think things were simple, not anymore simple than now, but now I no longer feel beautiful. I literally feel cold, like I’m outside in the winter snow.
Now, just like then, my mom is the only one in my family there for me again. After everything that happened to me this year, the emotional hurt, the feeling that no one thinks I’m worth anything, that no one respects me as a person, beginning to believe what they say that I’m stupid and immature, feeling ashamed for being so sensitive. I wish I could just go back to that Christmas memory and live there and forget everything, just smell apple spice and be surrounded by colourful lights.
That’s why I want to decorate and make it feel like Christmas in here again and end this year in a good way.
The words in this blog are sad, but I don't need comforting. The memory itself is happy and that's what I really wanted to write about. I just can't wait to decorate.