Hooray to late night anxiety attacks from something that happened two days ago.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh. My. God.

You guys. You guys. I'm freaking out. Freaking out.

A long time ago I (as well as the rest of the class) was given an assignment to write social protest song lyrics. Not being much of a song writer, I wasn't pleased. But it was easy enough.

I wrote down some song lyrics following the guidelines we were given (which is a bit ridiculous in my opinion, because, if you want me to be creative, why are you giving me certain restrictions of what the song has to have?), and was done fairly quickly.

But, on the day they were due, we were told we needed to present our lyrics. Now, this wasn't much of a problem to me at the time, because I've always been pretty good with public speaking. I never get nervous until I'm actually up there. It may seem bad, but it's better than having anxiety attacks beforehand.

Presenting to a small group was easy. I was in a group with people I knew, so it wasn't that big of a deal. I was in a group with mainly pretty shy people (when it comes to school work, I'm outgoing, because that's really the only way to get classwork done in my perspective. Not to mention I get a burst of confidence around my friends.), but it wasn't a big deal at the time.

Until we were told to pick someone to read their lyrics in front of the class. Being the only outgoing one in the group, I was elected. Which, again, wasn't a big problem. Like I said, I'm fine before I have to get up in front of everyone. And I knew all the people (knew as in I knew their names. I hate most of them.), so that was even more of a reassurance. So I wasn't freaking out. I was fine. Calm. Cool. Relaxed, even.

Going up to the front was fine. It wasn't a long, awkward walk & the world wasn't weighing itself down on my shoulders on the way there. I was fine. Even a bit overconfident.

Once I started, though, I kind of realized how deep my lyrics were. They didn't get me into emotions or anything, but they were talking about me. How I know people judge me even if they don't say anything. How I like who I am. How they can't hurt me.

And, Jesus, guys. It hasn't hit me until now how it might be on Monday. I probably didn't have the most effective lyrics (one girl wrote about the world's corruptions & suicide), but, f-ck, by the end of my lyrics I was physically shaking. Shaking. My voice was wavering, I started sweating, I was a mess.

And I don't know if they noticed. I know some people did, people from my middle school, but did the ones that actually judge me? Did the ones that I was protesting about see my weakness?

And I can't believe it hasn't hit me until now.

F-ck.