Feeling like complete shit. I don't know how else to blatantly describe it. I don't even know why I started feeling like this. I just feel like I'm worth nothing. I feel like everything with J is just a big joke on me, and that I'm the fool for believing it. I can't understand why he would actually want to see me and hang out with me. I just don't feel happy about who I am, and I can't understand how he could want me.
I just don't even know. I mean, there's times I think I'm pretty. Other times, I'm just like, "What the hell could he see in me that he would want?" I hate what's happened to me. Before middle school, I loved meeting people and I loved hanging out with others. I was happy and bubbly and optimistic. After 6th grade, when all the bullying started, I became self-conscious, nervous, awkward, shy, and I began to hate and not trust people.
For the love of God, when I walked back into history today, I wanted to hurry up and get back to my seat because I felt like people were staring at me. I feel so self-conscious when walking back into a classroom. Like someone's going to laugh or say something. I just can't help it.
I feel fat and disgusting and awkward and just...urgh. I have little to no self-confidence. I don't understand how people want to be around me. I don't understand why Jason would want to be around me, why he'd want to kiss me, etc. I can't understand.
I wish I was like other girls I know. I wish I was happy and bubbly, confident. I wish I could walk down the halls and not worry about if someone's making a comment or if they're laughing at me. I wish I could be that way.
Sometimes, I even feel like my friends are annoyed with me. I feel like they're irritated with me, but won't tell me.
I just can't help it. I want to be confident. I do. I've tried. I just can't do it. I'm too anxious and nervous. I hate being around people because of that. I wonder if when I'm talking to J if he gets annoyed with me or if he thinks I'm being stupid. And I don't mean normal nervousness when a girl likes a guy. This is just being self-conscious, and I can't help it.
Merh.