There is nothing worse than rejection

11.29.12

I was rejected today. But I know why, so it's okay. Even then, that doesn't mean I'm not sad. I cried a lot. And then I went and hugged my roommate. And he was a dear to me, so I went to kiss him on the cheek, but my eyes were blurry and I missed.

I kissed him on the corner of his mouth.

He didn't care.

I apologized profusely for the action, but he just told me not to worry and that he wouldn't mind if I did it again.

So I did. And then I did it again. And again. And a few kisses later, he led me to the couch and we kissed some more.

And then I did something horrible.

I'm not a virgin. But I thought myself one because for my first time, I had no say in the matter.

But now I truly am not anymore.

I was already a horrible person, but now this?

Lawrence doesn't deserve this, not even after rejecting me.

I'm such a horrible person, and I am truly, deeply, madly regretful for what I did.

I'm sorry Lawrence.

--

Duston sat next to me in church today. And he told me something I'll consider. He was just joking with me, having his idea of fun, but I don't know if I should take his advice as a joke.

He told me to kill myself.

I think I might want to listen to him for once.