So yesterday was a pretty rough day. I’ll just tell you how my day went leading up to the event.
I had call time for choir warm ups at 8 am but when I woke up it was 8:20. I freaked out because the actual concert started at 9 but my college is a good 20 minutes away. I was so disappointed, how was I going to get ready in time and make it. I still needed to shower and get ready. 5 minutes after I had woken up my friend Amie calls me, she told me she totally forgot and was barely leaving her house. I then explained to her my situation and she told she would pick me up.
I ended up taking the fastest shower of my life and put my hair in a bun. I threw on my dress and didn’t even bother with stocking just put on my flats and was out the door.
So we got there ten minutes late, we feared that we were going to get in trouble and not be able to perform. Turns out they were running behind schedule and our choir never even got to warm up. The concert started, it also turns out that our choir would be the last one up on stage. The initial plan was were were going to head to the makeup/green room when the choir before went on so we could warm up.
When we finally got to the makeup/green room our director stood there he told us to get into our spots as if we were on stage. He had his hands together almost as if he was in prayer. His fingertips were touching his lips as he looked to be in deep thought. I almost couldn’t take him serious with his bow tie, it had a design of piano keys on it. Except the amount of respect I have for him didn’t make me think twice about it.
Once we were settled in our spots he pulled his hands away and looked us all in the eyes. He wasn’t in one of his usual joyous moods, I could tell that much just by the look in his eyes. Thinking back now, I don’t know why he would share with us what he knew, knowing that in less than 10 minutes we would go on stage to perform.
He had told us that he was just informed that a student had taken his life by the Student Activities Center (SAC). A chill ran down my whole body and I felt sick to my stomach. My heart suddenly felt heavy, like any strings holding it up had suddenly grown thin. My throat tightened up, I didn’t know if I wanted to cry or if I was going to throw up.
The emotions I felt were and still are so raw. I didn’t know the guy but I felt every little bit of sadness for him and all his loved ones. It made me think of all the times I’ve ever even thought about suicide. It suddenly became that much real. I’m not saying I never thought it wasn’t serious but something inside of me clicked. It made me think of all the times I held a bottle of pills in my hand because I couldn’t fight for brighter days any more. I thought of all the beautiful things I was able to live for after being strong enough to put the pills away.
It broke my soul apart knowing that this person wouldn’t be able to breathe for tomorrow. He would never live to be his full potential, he would never know the feeling of being able to look back and say I’ve made it. I started to think just how bad he felt to want to kill himself. I know how bad it can feel but he must have been on a whole new level if he did it in such a public place.
All these thoughts flowed through my head as our director told us to stay away from the SAC, he said not to go looking for something we didn’t need to see. I know he said more but its really just a blur.
After the concert was over Amie and I had no choice but to walk by the SAC to get to the elevators that led to the lower parking lot. At the time I had assumed the incident had occurred inside the SAC building. We didn’t see anybody so we just assumed that they probably just closed the area off inside and were cleaning it up. As we were walking I noticed water on the floor and just shrugged it off as we walked through it.
It wouldn’t be later on till I discovered that we had walked passed the very same spot where the student had taken his life. That the very same water we had walked through was the water that had been sprayed to clean up the incident. It makes me sick to my stomach as all these thoughts plague my mind. I know that suicide isn’t suppose to be taken lightly but I feel like the passing of this student affected me way more than it should have. I’ve felt sick for the rest of the day and haven’t been able to get to sleep. I haven't pulled an all nighter since I was a sophomore. I just pray that I don’t have nightmares when I do try to get some rest.
I’m not really sure on how to end this, but please guys if anybody reads this. It gets better. Be strong. You’re beautiful.
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