There is a reason I don't like to be around people.

I'm just so fucking irritated. With like everyone.

Why am I always the fucking nice guy? Why the fuck do my problems never matter? I've been asking for help for years. YEARS. Where the fuck is everyone when I need them?

I can't even describe how tired I am of my "best friend". I use quotes because I am not fond of that phrase. I just don't like to use it. Anyway, this girl is the closest thing I have to a best friend.

So tonight she called me. I didn't answer because I was sleeping. But I woke up to the depressing tweets I recieved on my phone, all from her like 2 mins apart each. Once I realized she had called me, I like a good friend tried to find out what was wrong. All she did was ask for me to go over because it ws really bad. I don't know how to deal with emotions myself, How the hell was I supposed to help her? Whatever. I have my license and a car now so I could actually drive. But of course since I'm not 18 yet...which really fucking sucks....I have to be back by curfew at 10. I missed it by like 2 hours, but no one was home anywas so I didn't really care.

So I drive myself allllllllll the way over to her house(we don't live very close) to listen to her vent about whatever it is now. It seriously wasn't that bad at all. Not only did I risk my ass driving past curfew, but she made me waste my gas. THAT I HAVE TO PAY FOR MYSELF. The fuck man. All she had to complain about was her home not being happy and her brother causing drama and her mom being out of town to get away from the stree at home. Seriously, you couldn't just tell me all this over the phone? I have free minutes on the weekends, and little gas in my car. The drive wasn't worth it. At all.

The only reason I went was because she sounded really depressed and I figured she was home alone and I didn't want her to do anything stupid. So of course I went. And like I said. Wasn't even that big of a deal. I mean she cried for like 15 seconds when she was talking, but that was it. I don't know how to console crying people. Like why are you even crying? Just stop. If you're a kid, it's different. I can take care of kids. I actually love them. But my best friend is to old for that. Like c'mon girl, you're 18 now. It's time to grow up and not cry over every little negative thing that happens in your life. It really just irritates me because I have been threough SO MUCH crap throughout my ebetire life that seeing someone cry over little things like that just pisses me off.

I don't really know how to describe it without sounding like a total bitch. But hey, no one here knows who the hell I am so why does it matter. Seriously, like she cries over the tiniest of fucking things. And she's spoiled as hell. She's "anemic" (just like me), a "cutter" (just like me), and "bipolar"(which I will soon be getting tested for). Let's just get things straight: 1) she was only borderline-anemic like 6 months ago and was still able to donate blood at the time. Bitch, you're not fucking anemic. 2) I guess what she does can be classified as self harm. All she does is carve words into her wrist with a fucking pencil. And I don't evn think the word carve is appropriate considering the word is pretty much gone in a day or two. Plus she's never even drawn blood while doing so. That's not cutting. 3) Being sad sometimes when you're usually happy doesn't make you fucking bipolar. It makes you a normal fucking person.

Want to know why all of that irritates me so much? Here's why: 1) I AM actually anemic. I black out at random times and have headaches on a daily basis. I am always dizzy and constantly feel like throwing up. I bruise super easily. I have really dark circles under my eyes from blood pooling, which can't really be covered even with a lot of make up. No matter how much I sleep I am still exhausted, and somedays I can barely leave my bed without collapsing. I can only take a small dosage of Iron medication every other day because that makes me sick, too. It will be a while before I amactually 'normal' again. 2) As much as I hate to admit it, I am a cutter. Or self- harmer, rather. I don't just cut. But when I do I use an actual razor to cut long, deep, lines into my skin that take weeks to heal. And they always leave a scar. I don't do it for attention or any shit like that. All of my cuts are on my thighs so no one ever sees them. I've been hurting myself even before I ever learned what self-harming was. Hell, the earliest I remeber is cutting up the bottoms of my feet with nail clippers when I was only six. And I did that for years. It hurt to walk, but the enjoyment of pain is a feeling I never outgrew. 3) I've been dealing with depressive issues ever since I could remeber. I've been put into the hospital for anxiety attacks I have at random, I've been forced to talk to counselors and life coaches in order to help me get better. I just don't like knowing there is something wrong with me, so I have been putting off actually getting tested for any type of mental disorder. But I'm hitting a breaking point again and this time I will be getting help. But in order to do so I am going to have to find out what is actually wrong with me.

I know it seems like I'm trying to compare myself to her or belittle her problems by saying mine are worse. But I'm not. Really, I'm not. It's just soooo fucking irritating that her spoiled ass can sit there and cry over her little "problems" in life while I sit there like a good friend and listen. Next time I won't be the one to listen. There's another person close to her, a boy, that I am relatively close to also. I swear, though. Next time I'm calling and telling him that he needs to be the good friend this time and cheer her up. I can't anymore. I just can't. I'm still trying to deal with the shit in my life and all the crap I'm still going through. I can't handle her, too.

I'm done. With her. With everyone. I'm just done.