Things are messy, stoned again and heartbroken again. (Mature content)

I don't know what my body's problem is with smoking but last night was the second time I whitied.
Also I'm in a very not-right state while writing this so if things don't flow very well or I'm not quite getting to the point I apologise. Not with it again. But to be honest I don't really write these with the intention of wanting other people to read it, it's just nice to get this stuff out before I forget it.
Alright so Josh and Dev are going back home to London for a little while so I really wanted to see them before they go Thursday and Josh said I could stay and I'm like in love with this lad so that made me fairly happy and so Sunday late evening I'm sat on the bus completely by myself smiling like a twat and I'm texting him and I can't stop the feeling in my stomach I get when I know I'm seeing him or how much it makes me light up. I just get a bit nervous.
I get off the bus and light a cigarette while I wait for him to pick me up from town and I was only waiting like 2 minutes but he was worried I had been there for a while. And I notice we're both talking quite a bit and talking quite loud and I think it's because we hadn't really been seeing eachother for a while so it was exciting to catch up and that's kind of cute isn't it? I don't remember what we were talking about though, nothing important but my memory is messed up. I remember things like dreams, it's weird.
So then he's trying to park outside his house but he's high as fuck and fully takes his time because he's struggling and I didn't know whether it was appropriate to laugh or not.
Get inside and I go put my bag in his room and he's all excited about his new double bed because I won't be pushing him off the edge anymore and so I test it out a bit and it's basically really bouncy.
Go downstairs, have a quick chat with Dev and I was happy that he seemed pleased to see me for once, and meet their mates. Pass around a joint as always and the room was seriously so smokey all you could see was fog. I think I forget that these lot smoke everyday, and I don't. Made the classic mistake that I did the first time I was on a whitey. Toke, toke, toke, toke, toke, toke, short break, toke, toke, toke, pass. Not long until it gets passed back round to me. Toke, toke, toke, toke, toke, etc. Smoked too much too soon. Bam. I can't really remember how I start feeling it but I told Josh I was just going loo and I'm not sure how long I spent in their bathroom but it was a long time. The first thing I did was sat on the edge of their bath and I couldn't stop sweating and I couldn't breathe and my hearing and vision was fucked, I thought that was it and I'd pass out this time. For some reason I went for a wee thinking that would help. It was weirdly relaxing. Cold water on my hands was good too. I just wanted to lie on the floor so badly but I didn't want to pass out in their bathroom with a locked door so I just sat on the toilet until I calmed down, then went downstairs and sat on the sofa next to Josh. He didn't ask why I took so long or anything which I was pleased about.
We were watching a film and I kept shaking it was so weird. Like I couldn't control it. It was more like twitches and sometimes it was really bad.
Maybe it's because I took Prozac first, dunno.
But then we went out for another smoke and it calmed me down... it was nice. I was a nice high. I slowed down with how much I was smoking and I think I've just realised my limit now. I'm a lightweight and I don't smoke everyday, I need to stop being a nob thinking I can handle what I can't.
Then Josh said we were going up to bed to watch a film and unsurprisingly he put on a really shit comedy that doesn't make any sense and has no plot but that he thinks is apparently amazing. He smokes far too much weed. I think I'm banning him from choosing our films. But unsurprisingly again he interrupted it, not like I'm complaining. We were being cuties (as per) spooning but he kept touching my bum and running his hand along my pants and he asked me what pants I was wearing and seemed really restless after I said I was wearing a thong. Expected reply from him, "ooh sexy". He says it in like a different tone from his usual voice and I just find it funny. But yeah so we're watching this film and he'd been a bit fidgety and kissing my neck anyway and I always knows where it's going when he gets like that but he just 'started' (I don't know how to word this without it being really cringey and too much information) really unexpectedly. He hadn't even kissed me at all so it was weird like. But yeah it went how it always does except it was also really different this time because turns out his new bed is the loudest bed EVER and if we moved just slightly it made a massive creak so we had to be careful and he told me to shush and I was just there like it's not me you wanker it's your ridiculous bed. And this time it lasted like a ridiculous amount of time, probably because 80% of it was oral which I'm not too fussed about but he's like obsessed with (ha) and thinking back now I really feel sorry for Dev and Dan who are directly below and next to his bedroom. His bed really is noisy. I don't mean just a bit creaky, but like the sort of thing you could hear clearly from next door. Cringe cringe cringe.
I also um, 'finished' (lol sorry), for the first time ever during. And the second. And maybe third but I don't remember. How mental is that? It was the weirdest thing. I told him after it was the first time I've done that and he was well proud. He said he was 'privileged' and was buzzing. He also said afterwards "that was really good" four times.
I'd be lying if I said sex wasn't part of the reason why I really want a proper relationship with this person, he's fucking amazing. Like after he's all like "right, cuddles" and I just want to kiss his face over and over because as much of a typical lad as he is, he's also one of the cutest people I've ever known. And the best cuddler too. We didn't actually cuddle much though because we just weren't used to having as much space as we did and also he has a cold which I'll probably have too now so his arm was aching when I leaned on it. But he won't face away from me in bed, he's either facing me, lying on his back or we have to swap sides so that he doesn't turn away from me. Things like that I really love. The last thing I saw before I fell asleep was his face. And the first thing I saw when I woke up was his face. You don't notice the freckles on his nose until you're really close to him.
We did talk though, about what's going on with us. He was just about to go to sleep until I said his name and started the conversation. I said I was still confused and I planned on saying things which I couldn't think of anymore because I didn't know what to say suddenly but he ended up talking much more than I did and I think it's because he could tell this was hurting me and he felt bad because he kept wanting to say something and kissed my neck a few times. He explained again how ever since he was 15 he's always had a girlfriend and that he doesn't want that anymore, because he wasn't as happy as he is now. And that he doesn't want to have to worry about someone else aswell as himself for once. He said he'd try to be less confusing. I realised this meant not kissing me because he was more distant than usual the morning after. He also said "well I'm going away for a month anyway aren't I" and I didn't really know what he meant by this so just said "yeah". I still don't really know what he meant by it. I just want some piece of mind. I had turned the other way and the last thing I said was that I was sorry if I made it awkward I just wanted to know things, he said "I just told you how I feel" and I said "kind of" and I don't think he knew how to reply after that. He didn't really tell me how he felt, he more told me how it was. There was a long pause until he said "you haven't made things awkward" and kissed me on the back of my head then we went to sleep. The entire time in my head all I could think was it only hurts because I love you so much. He doesn't know how much he's wrapped himself around my heart. I feel it every time I see him and nothing makes me smile like he does. Even when he was talking about his fucking permanently erect nipples I couldn't stop smiling at him. He's either making me happy or making me laugh. Nothing else really hurts me like he does either though, and he doesn't mean to and he doesn't really do anything wrong, it's just knowing that I'm in love with someone who doesn't want me enough to say forget everything else and forget that he's enjoyed being single because he likes me and what is there to wait for? He doesn't want me enough to think like that. I lost a friendship that was really important to me for him and regardless that at his uni house I basically have to starve and I can't shower, I'm happier there more than anywhere else because I think I could be anywhere with him and still be happy. He works better than my Prozac. And then he's also the reason I'm such a complete mess. I'm just emotionally and psychologically very fragile, it's taken me this long to admit it.

Don't be too surprised if I delete this. I spent forever writing it but I'm so drained I don't really care.

Do yourself a favour and don't ever fall in love with someone unless they marry you first, because then they're stuck with you and you won't have to feel as lonely and unloved as I do now.
I fall too easily.

Think I'm just tired. Gonna see if I can sleep this off.
December 10th, 2012 at 10:19pm