Rehabbin Day Six.

I had something to write here and I think that I'm still going to go through with it but something has changed drastically since then and it was very unexpected and deeper than I thought. He continues to suprise me more and more everyday. Two days ago now, I read something about how some rehab patients write down or explain the reasons of why they were addicted to something. So I sat down and wrote some pages in a journal of why I am in love with him.
I love him because I can't explain why, they say love is like a car crash. Its just something that happens and you barely have any control over it and I really feel that's what happened. When I first met him freshman year I never knew how complicated and emotional things would get (be) between us. I love him because I trust him, no matter how much we argue and fight I trust him so much it scares me. It scares me that I could have that much trust in a person because I haven't experienced it before sometimes I trust him more than myself because he always turns out to be right in the end anyway. Always. I physically can not count a single time that he was wrong. He makes me smile like a fucking idiot all the time. I can't get rid of our memories and all the things we said to each other. The good and the shitty because they are all equally important to me. I love him because I know that I cannot have him, no matter how hard we try to make things work something always fucks up but we fit together so perfectly its scary, we are like the last two pieces in a big puzzle, since we are the only pieces left we have to fit together but when you try to you notice that something is off. We are perfect. Too perfect maybe. We are a perfect failed couple. Love means that you have finally found a person that knows you better than yourself. I swear he knows what I'm thinking, knows my decisions before I've finished deciding on them myself, he knows my feelings and can always tell when I'm lying. I'm selfish, moody, one sided and reckless but he loves me for it. Its hard to explain, the best way I can say it is that he is the only one who has broken into my reckless shell, he can see my soft side and I don't feel vulnerable, I feel like its only natural that he sees my soft side. I understand that he wants to be happy and that we can't be that way. I just want him to know that I am trying. I am honestly happy that he has found someone he can be happy with and to be honest I could not have chosen a better girl for him myself. She loves him so much and I can tell she makes him so happy. Yea it hurts that we can't be happy but seeing him happy makes me happy. Maybe one day we will be able to pretend that we never met and maybe some day years from now I will be able to look back on our tragic fucked up fairy tale and smile without crying because I know our fairy tale will always be my favorite. This just only proves that once you care for a person all logic is gone and feelings get very very messy please choose who you love carefully because love is something that is stronger than all of us.
Well that's what I wrote trying my best to rehab but yesterday something happened and it...changed some things. I received an 8 page text saying everything going on through his head and I've learned that I was wrong (once again) about many things. I assumed many things. I don't want to blog exactly what he said because its very close to me and I personally don't feel like sharing it just yet. But um basically no one is ready to let go. Our fucked up fairy tale is more fucked up than I thought. I still don't know how to process all of the things he said...i don't know where to go from here but...i just...we're really fucked up. Like really really fucked up and I don't know what to do anymore...fuck. Everything is wrong but everything is right too. I'm staring to wonder if rehab is the right way to handle thi