I am stronger than this

My anxiety has been acting up some for the past couple days. Every so often it happens. It really sucks while it's acting up but after a while I am able to breathe again and I feel better. I go back to normal...or as normal as I can be. But this isn't the point of the journal. I have been doing my best to stay calm the past few days and then my whole night was totally trashed.

I got told by my own family that I'd never be able to drive a car because I cry too much and it's totally fine that my younger sister would be able to drive when she has a huge temper. I got told I wasn't normal and would never be able to have a normal life. I was told I'd never be able to have a job or a car or a house or kids or to even get married. They said I'd just get passed onto my sisters when my mom dies because 'someone needs to take care of me'. They said that I only have depression and anxiety because I don't know how to grow up and just get over it. They said I can't do anything right and that everyone is tired of hearing me cry. They told me to get out of the house and said I was pretty much a loser that everyone can't stand to be around.

First of all, I only cry when someone yells at me. I'm usually in a pretty good mood. I admit I cry a little more than I used to but that's only because I don't cut myself anymore. I used to cut myself when I got upset instead of cry so I think it's better that I cry than take a razor to my own skin. Cutting was a real addiction for me and my life was out of control. I used to want to die and I thought I'd never be able to overcome my addiction. But I did. I'm happier and more confident than I ever was before. So what if I cry when people yell at me? It's not a crime. And it certainly doesn't mean I can't ever drive a car.

They said these things were being told to me for my own good. They said I needed to hear the truth and to change who I am. I can't change who I am. None of that crap motivates me. If you want to motivate me you should encourage me and support me with kind words. Telling me I'm a loser who everyone hates is not going to motivate me at all.

I can't change that I have anxiety and depression. I'm always going to have them. But I've come such a long way and I've learned to manage them pretty well. Just because I have anxiety and depression doesn't mean I can't ever have a life. It doesn't mean I can't ever drive a car or get married or have kids.

Thank God for my little sister. She's 5 years younger than me and my best friend. I don't know how I'd survive without her. She's the one person who loves me unconditionally and supports me.

I can't belive my own family sometimes. Everywhere I go people are criticizing me. I don't know what goes through their minds sometimes.

I can't let it stop me though. Yeah it's depressing. I hate feeling alone and like I'm the problem child. I hate being the black sheep of the family. But I'll get through it. I've already gotten through so much. Even though I feel weak sometimes I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for. I am determined to make a good life for myself and I can't let anyone stand in my way, even my own family. They can doubt me all they want but one day I will prove them wrong. It's crazy the stuff I've been through in my 19 years of life and I got through almost all of it on my own. That's a pretty strong person in my book. If I could get through all of that stuff in my past I can get through anything.