This week has been horrible. Dear lord. I'm horrible. I have to punish myself for a few things, but I won't say how. All I'll say is that I deserve a million times worse. I'm the worst girlfriend on the planet. I just hope what I want to happen happens. I know I'll never do it again. I love her so much... So, so very much. My friends are telling me to be careful, but they know I'm not going to be. Next subject. E-M-O-T-I-O-N-S. Seriously. What was with everyone last week? Mood swings from the fiery depths of Hades. My best friend was on his man period. He really hurt my feelings last week. I almost cried, but I couldn't because there were too many people around. Another one of my friends, oh my god, dude. She was the sweetest thing in middle school, but her boyfriend has changed her so much. She's so different now. She never used to curse. Now she does it all the time. It's not like I mind, but I miss the innocent her. I miss middle school in some ways, but those were the worst years of my life. And I miss my ex best friend from 5-6th grade. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if she never began to hate me. I introduced her to some of her closest friends... I was so jealous of her in sixth and seventh grade... It was so petty. I miss her so much now. I see her every day, and it hurts my heart to look at her. Jeez, man... I'm failing two of my classes right now. I need to fix that real bad. We get out in three days for Christmas. -- Total subject change.-- Today, I got the worst news I've heard in years... I cried for about two hours, and I'm tearing up right now. My mother... She used to be really sick when I was around four or so. She was always in the hospital... It was like our home. Today, she comes to me crying.
"You know how they say secrets tear a family apart, right?"
She ended up telling me that... While she was sick, she was pregnant. Oh, yep, I'm crying now... She was pregnant... And they gave her shots of radiation. They gave her choices... Either she lived and the baby died... Or the baby lived and she died... She chose to live. I'm so glad she chose to stay with me. I couldn't live without my mommy... But earlier... My heart, dude... It was hurting so bad. For her... For my unborn sibling. I cried for about two or three hours... Two, I think. Like... My jaw kept dropping, and it hurt my throat to close my mouth. My lip is quivering again. I'm just lost. I'm caught up in this insane thing we human beings call life.
I was wondering how it would be like to have a baby brother... A baby sister... Another child here in the house. It would probably be chaotic... God, man. Why is everything so depressing? As soon as I find my happiness, everything begins going south again. I'm beginning to question if god is just a fairy-tale or a myth. If he truly exists... Yeah, I know I'm being an inconsiderate jerk, so I'll just shut up about that... I just... I wish things could be happy.
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