thinking about the past again.

While you post about your perfect boyfriend I’ll sigh and think back to the summer we shared. When you suddenly decide to say something to me about it, I’ll pretend I don`t spend every living moment of my life going over what i could have done differently. while you go out and have fun with your straight edge friends I’ll be thinking about the downwards spiral you sent me in when you passed me the bottle and told me not to be a pussy. so yeah, I’ll like that post about the fucking baby food you got me eating even after you were gone, I’ll reply with a comment playing it off as if it never mattered, that we were so young. Yeah, I’ll remember all right. I’ll then remember that you changed, that the girl I fell for became superficial and 'pretty.' but when I see you I’ll see the glasses and crooked teeth, the skinny legs and undefined curves. I’ll see the mornings waking up with you in my arms never wanting to let go, and reminisce your smoky vanilla scent i attempted to recreate many a time. People change. I stay the same. I think it`s because I found who i was with you (then again I think about everything all too much). But I’m still holding on to that summer. like it`s an important file, delicate. like I’m holding on it so tight it`s starting to crinkle with reality. I feel without the drugs and alcohol i won’t be able to push it out of my mind. I won’t be able to just say: “oh her? Yeah I was crazy for her once. Chased her down but she never turned her head to look at Me." and shrug it off. I won’t be able to go to sleep thinking about how high i am, rather thinking what was so wrong with me. I’ll think about how you hid your sexuality from me so that I didn't get my hopes up, even though at the time I had no idea what my true hopes were. I’ll remember you dating my friend and passing her off for the next one. I’ll blame it all on you, but what harm could it do? If I blame it on me, I this time I don`t think I’d make it through.