I can't believe what I've become...

I miss you.

I miss you so much it hurts; it physically hurts me.

I started doing drugs, you know. Pills. That shit that you told me never to do. I did it to escape the pain, to forget. I just wanted to forget. And I did for a very long time. Every time I got high, I was happy. I was so happy that I could finally be happy without you. Because without you, I felt miserable. You know you were basically my everything, right? Which is so stupid, considering I was probably nothing to you. I mean, I know you told me that you loved me, but I'm starting to doubt that.

I go over our relationship a lot in my head. What I could have done different, why things happened the way they did, what I should learn from it... It's all I think about. I try not to, I really do. And sometimes I succeed in not thinking about you for a few days. I think the longest I went was 3 days without a thought of you in my mind.

But then it comes back. You come back. Not literally, but in my head. Something will happen that'll remind me of you, or someone will say something, or even just your name being said. And just like that, all these feelings come rushing back, and I'm back to square one. I'm back to being the wreck that I really am.

I wished and wished that I'd run into you somewhere, that I'd get to see you, even for just a minute. I just wanted to see your face, I just wanted to be close to you again. My wish came true, surprisingly. I didn't really expect it to. I saw you, and I never wanted you to leave. I regret making that wish now, you know. If I can't have you as I want you, then I don't want you at all. It just hurts too much. Seeing you now, knowing things are different, we're different. I just want to go back in time. I just want you to hold me like you used to, sooth me like you used to, kiss my forehead, look at me the way you used to...

It's true when they say, all I want for Christmas is you.