I’m going to save my own life and no one is going to stop me

I’ve found a sudden passion and lust for writing again.

I haven’t had such a want to write since I was sexually assaulted and very nearly raped in June during the Jubilee celebrations. As much as I deny it affecting me, the attack has stopped me from living my life. I’m going to have to retry to take my second year of college this year as I’ve missed so much already, I’ve tried to avoid going to gigs outside of my city along which is crazy because beforehand, I would travel wherever I could alone and not give a fuck. I lost out on a great internship because I couldn’t do the writing for it due to everything crashing down around me and I lost friends due to not understand why I’m so broken.

I am broken, I know this but it only takes some superglue to fix some things.

I’ve been to three shows outside of Peterborough alone since my attack: one of them was a paid photography job and the other was to see fun. live where I met up with those girls who I’d met back in May at my first fun. show.

Seeing fun. in October was stupidly hard for me. At the London show not only did I have an asthma attack, I also broke down crying in the middle of a street afterward with two girls, screaming about how much I want to kill myself and how I just wanted to see Will one last time before I did it.

Those two girls actually stayed with me after the Birmingham show and made sure he came out which thanks to Jack and Andrew knowing who I am, he did. I don’t think they understand that they, Will and Nattie actually saved my life that night. The guys obviously didn’t (and still don’t) know what happened to me but still, they hugged me and spoke to me just like they had in May; just like a good friend who they’ve not seen in a while.

I honestly try to keep that in mind every single time my mum screams at me about how much she hates me, about how she wants me to leave the family and how much everyone hates me. I honestly do but last Tuesday I just walked around my part of the city thinking about this.

As much as I have great friends and I’m starting to love the people I’ve been working with for over a year, I overdosed on any medication I had lying around my room. How embarrassing is it to have three strangers find you in a phone box having a fit, I’m so glad they did because they saved my life. One of the women came into my work last night, asked my boss if she could have five minutes with me before she introduced herself to me and said that everything could only get better.

This hate for the world and for most things in it is actually inspired me to write and try and get back what saved my life all of those years ago when I first found Mibba at thirteen after my mum and real dad’s messy divorce. It’s inspiring me to try and find myself and hell, it’s inspiring me to get whatever tattoos I want (I’m getting my forth one tomorrow) and to save up so I can get the fuck outta Peterborough and start to live my life to the full.

I’m going to find my feet again after the trial is over and the guy who attacked me, two other woman and raped a girl (all in the space of three hours) gets locked up in a mental institution for the rest of his life. I’m going to live like I want to live and not like everyone else wants me to.

I’m going to save my own life and no one is going to stop me. 2013 will be the year I reach the sky and use those wings I have.
December 20th, 2012 at 06:35am