Worth

The last week, exactly a week, I've been doing bad. Really bad. It started last Thursday night and has just seemed to progress into something worse. Not only do I feel like an emotional wreck but I look it too. Today I was in my last class of the semester and my teacher stops me before class and asks if I'm doing well, she said,

"Eva you look dead."

And she's right, I hardly sleep all week and I hardly ate. I'm really pale and there's bags under my eyes. I've just been stressing over finals week, over my physical appearance and I just feeling like giving up. I just want to let this all out and my mind is racing a thousand miles an hour and everything is just jumbled and I can barley type and...I'm just tried. Tried of living because I feel so worthless and everyone makes me feel that way. I could never match up to others, not my my friends who are pretty and thin, or my sister who is the golden child and my older brother that's providing so much finical help to my parents. I mean I'm just here struggling to handle school and I can barely get a job and I feel like nothing, I am nothing.

Every night and morning I just breakdown, I just cry and scream into my pillow and try to resist hurting myself and I'm tried of living this way. Living like I will never amount to anything and I just, I don't know how many times I will say it but I'm just so fucking done living this way.

I'm done feeling worthless and I'm done feeling pathetic. I just want to spend my break getting better, I'm cutting all contact with people who make me feel this way and I want to work on making myself better, I don't want to result suicide for a temporary problem.

I'm just going to spend the next month helping myself.
December 21st, 2012 at 04:44am