Where Do You Go When You Reach Your Limit?

I can't do this anymore. It's like everything i don't understand, and everything i could never feel, is crushing me these days. Every lie i've told myself to cover up the truth, everything i thought i had figured out...It's fake. I'm not okay, I'm not fucking alright. I'm dying, drowning, choking, gasping for air, but nothing ever enters my lungs. I've failed at life, and at being happy.

You know what? I've been waitng for the last 17 years to be happy, to feel like i had a purpose. That's my whole entire fucking life. And I'm beyond freaking tired of waiting. I don't know if i've done something wrong, or if I'm just a dirty fucking whore for letting daddy fuck me before i could walk, but how can i possibly deserve this?

I can't stand being in this skin anymore, or even in the same room as myself. I hate everything about me. But what i hate above all, is that i always manage to let everything slip through my fingers, take everything for granted and then being left behind, broken and defeated in the end.

This life was wasted on me, i can't do it right, every step, ever breath, has been a mistake. I'm not worthy of this. Fuck, all that pain, suffering and misery was deserved. I'm a horrible person, who just can't seem to get it right.

I'm weak and pathetic, scared and wounded. Hell, i can't even destroy myself properly. Why can't i just go all in on this slow suicide? why not cut every day instead of once a week? why not drink myself into oblivion, drop out of school, starve myself to death, do every drug i can get my hands on, and scream and yell at everyone around me?

Because that's all i wanna do. I want to fade away, become the nothing i was destined to. Hell, we're all gonna die anyways.
So why not speed up the process a bit, do everything i've ever wanted just because i can?

Why not come to school in a short sleeved T-Shirt, Yell "fuck you" to all the teachers. tell everyone how tired i am of their bullshit petty problems about boys and make up, while the rest of us is dying on the inside, Tell them that i am fucking mental, i am insane and they were right all along!

Scream that yes i do fucking self harm, yes i have an eating disorder, yes i'm a foster child, yes i was sexually abused, yes my previous mom killed herself two weeks ago, yes i have social anxiety and anxiety, yes i am depressed,yes im suicidal, yes i am FUCKING CRAZY, MENTAL, INSANE, A FREAK, WORTHLESS, BROKEN, DISGUSTING, PATHETIC, UGLY, FAT, STUPID, AND FREAKING IMPERFECT!!!!

I'm not gonna go anywhere in life, I'm not gonna become anyone.
I'll just be yet another tragic story no one will give a shit about.

God, they'll fucking hate me for it, and I'll love it.

So yes I've given up. But no one will ever know that. Fucking coward that's all i am.
whatever.