Accepting Gifts

I find that I have a hard time accepting gifts. Or rather, I should amend that. I have a hard time accepting that people want to give me a gift. I always feel as though I don't deserve them, no matter what the gift is, and that by accepting the gift I'm doing something wrong. Even on tradition gift-giving days, such as birthdays or December holidays.

I have absolutely no idea why this is. o.O; But, I feel like I don't deserve the gifts and that by accepting them I am in some way insulting my friends and family. And that if I were to do something like refuse the gift I'd be insulting them even worse, because here they perhaps even spent money on me and I'm turning it away and who knows if they can get their money back? Or any of the other number of considerations when you turn away a gift from someone who was trying to be nice to you, such as how they'd feel that they'd put money and thought into a gift and you turn it away.

So, I'm usually caught between being super grateful, super ashamed because I don't feel I deserve the gift, and super awkward because I don't know how to graciously accept the gift or if I even should accept it.

And, again...I have NO idea why this is or exactly when this even started. When I began to feel like that. I don't think I felt this way about gifts when I was a little kid. I don't remember it, anyway. I always remember being happy about it. Not feeling awkward and worried that I was doing something wrong by accepting.

I definitely feel grateful that someone would go through the time and/or money to get me something nice for a holiday or birthday. Don't get me wrong on that! I think it's really that deep down I don't feel like I deserve it. And I've never quite been able to figure out when that sort of thought process began or why it started in the first place. Or why it persists.

And I don't really like to tell people this, because usually everyone I know has given me a gift at some point and I don't want them to think I'm ungrateful. Because, as I said, that isn't the case. And I don't want them to feel bad, either, for making me feel awkward.

Lol, I'm just a mess I guess. :p