Sick and Tired and Jumbled

Two days before Christmas my dad found out that his ex girlfriend is a scam artist and stole money from him. He freaked out and got beyond smashed and started driving down the road. He crashed, and he should have been dead. The whole thing really upset me because

1. My father is a recovering alcoholic
2. I didn't get to see him on Christmas Eve.

As an alternative, I had to go to my mom's boyfriend's parent's house, which was an absolute nightmare. Yesterday (Christmas) my dad called after he was let out of jail. I couldn't talk to him. I was so angry and upset and scared that I sat in the bathroom with my book and just cried for hours. The main reason I was crying because of the absolute loathing I felt for myself. What kind of a mean fuck doesn't talk to their own dad? I disgusted myself. Fortunately, I'm not stupid enough to self-harm in any way. But I still feel awful for not speaking to him, even if I did call him later on.

I'm sick of worrying about my family.