So as 2012 comes to a close I'm starting to take a look back at what the year had had to offer to me. At the beginning of the year I told myself that this year was going to be my year. Everything was going to be great, unfortunately that was not the case. This year has been one of the most draining; both physically and emotionally, years of my life. I told myself that since 2012 was my last year as a teenager I was going to make the best of it. I was going to go out with my friends and enjoy myself. I was going to kick ass in college and just enjoy my life. It seems like fate had other plans for me.
This year did have some phenomenal moments. I turned 19, was at the barricade for two shows, met The All American Rejects, completed my first year of college as well as got a job offer as being a music journalist for an online publication. All of those things were pretty amazing, but the one that had the most impact on me was watching my beautiful niece be brought into this world. Her birth had a huge impact on me, mainly because now that I am 19 I start thinking about life differently than I did many years ago. The last time I got to witness a birth in my family I was about seven years old. I think about things in a different light now than I did back then. Now I start thinking about my future and how my life will be. Watching her enter into this world and just knowing that I was one of the first people she ever saw really hit me. This beautiful little creature is going to be with me for the rest of my life and anything I do will impact her somehow. The same goes for her brother. No, he may not biologically be related to me, but I still love and cherish him the same amount as I do his sister. They might not know it, but both of them are what kept me going this year.
I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder a few months back and one of the things that calmed me down was looking at pictures of my niece and nephew and just knowing that they love and adore me no matter what. I was in and out of the doctor's office and they kept trying to prescribe me things to calm me down and help me sleep, but the medication just made me feel worse so I stopped taking it and I've been doing pretty good. I still have my attacks every once in a while, but I've found ways to calm down and those two are some of the first that pop into my mind.
I've also had to deal with two absolutely terrible professors who seem to get some sick enjoyment out of playing mind games with their students. These two professors both seemed to trigger my anxiety attacks and I was starting to avoid going to their classes because of how uncomfortable they started to make me feel. With that, added huge amounts of stress and fear. It started to get to the point to where the stress and anxiety started messing with my body physically. I was constantly tired and had no strength to do anything. Even getting up to get dinner was a physically grueling task so I wasn't eating. I was so hungry and when I did eat, it was a struggle to keep the food down. I was so frustrated with myself because I love to eat and not keeping my food down upset me. Thankfully I never have to deal with those two professors again.
With all of this going on you would think my best friend of ten years would be a good support system for me. I thought so too, but that was not the case. At the beginning of the semester she started dating this guy who I wasn't too fond of because the first few times she met him, he didn't treat her right. She ended up in tears both times and said she was not going to talk to him anymore. She didn't keep that up and they ended up dating a few months later, which was fine with me. I could care less that she got a boyfriend, as long as she didn't start putting off everything for the guy I was fine. Unfortunately, he became her life. She kept breaking our plans to do things with him and she stopped doing her schoolwork. She then started texting him in every class we had instead of taking notes and paying attention. Then she kept trying to get my sister and I to give her every answer to the tests we had. She only came to us when it benefitted her. When we did hang out she it's like she was never there because she was constantly on the phone with him. Even when we were eating dinner together she was on the phone.
Now three months later she dropped out of college and she and her boyfriend of three or so months are now living with her mom. I haven't spoken to her since we left for Christmas break and I'm not heartbroken over it. Now that I am looking back at what our friendship turned into, I am completely happy that she's no longer a part of my life. Our friendship was not healthy by any means. I did everything for her and when I needed help the most, she wasn't there for me. I got sick and tired of pretty much babying her through college. I'm paying for my education, not her's. It's not my fault if she failed a paper. She was the one who kept skipping class and when she did go all she did was text her boyfriend.
I'm making big changed for 2013, and this time I mean it. This will be a fresh start for me. I'm ready to meet new people and maybe even start dating again, for the first time in five years might I add. I'm a firm believer in the saying, "everything happens for a reason" and for 2013 I am going to use the things I learned from 2012 to better my life. I'm no longer going to take bullshit from people because I'm afraid that they might get mad at me because we feel differently about something. I thought I was a fairly strong person in 2012 but looking back at it, I really wasn't. 2013 is going to be different and I mean it.
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